yet a want is part of why you need.

O, the irony of quotes.

Look, I'm quite tired of trying to focus myself on life. I've been slipping away into fantasies too much now that I'm starting to find reality a huge burden. I've always thought that reality will turn into a fantasy someday. Perhaps not today then. Maybe it won't ever. I've been distracted too much as of late. What causes the distraction really? I'm just super lost when it comes to the vast areas of psychology and mindset and its ethic morals. Since when have I ever cared what anyone thinks of me? But then again, maybe I'm just paranoid. But does being brazen comes with paranoia? I think not. Perhaps this is just my real self, trying to clear the disputes of the mind. The arguements of the heart affairs.

When it just boils down to reasoning, perhaps I am good at that. Truthfully, I could take up law and perhaps even enjoy it. It exercises my mind. It's a set of logic and facts. A set of manipulations to be played around. A matter to be spoken outloud and debate with. Perhaps, I just enjoy winning. The thrill of victory is very very satisfying, in a greedy kind of way. I don't like to lose. No one does. I don't like anyone stepping in my territory. Perhaps it's how I've been feeling all these times that I'm used to being alone. No help at all. It's as though I don't need anyone helping me at all. It's because with my ability, I believe I can go somewhere.

I know that I'm not that strong but with my ability to bounce back up and my confidence, secured with sarcasm and wit, protected and armed with knowledge and coldness and ruthlessness, I'm not the type whom one can mess with. It's just one entity that I dared not go against. Which is my dad. It's so alike Qiao Qiao Ai Shang Ni. A drama so twisted, it portrays the lifestyle of a girl being controlled by her dad, never escaping the puppet strings, always denying reality.

So, if it boils down to following my instincts and what my heart tells me, I'll say I haven't a clue. It's beating too silently for me to hear, beating too loudly for me to catch anything accurately. It's all echoes of the past, coming straight back up to me, haunting me. It's true what they say. You can't just bury everything. They'll come right back up to haunt you. I'm feeling that now. So much have I buried, trying to hide it, somewhere but there's never a lock strong enough. Never a place big enough. Never a spot fit enough. It comes back out. It overflows.

Look, I don't know what I'm saying. I'm probably drunk with words. Probably drunk with thoughts. Probably drunk with feelings. I doubt I'm sober at all. I didn't even realise what I typed in!

So say, let's go back. It's been 2 days now. I think he's off tomorrow. If indeed I'm right, then it'll be 3 days without seeing him. My heart is starting to calm down. As long as he doesn't start up any antics, I'm pretty sure I'm smooth sailing, on my way out of my own prison. Free myself. I can't possibly take 1 week off just to avoid him and to calm myself! That's just too long! I'm already bored by not working 2 days. What more a single week. Repulsive, really.

So, I texted him earlier on. He didn't bother to reply. I guess I got chucked away. Assuming I got chucked really, what am I to him, really? Ok, so be it if you don't want to reply. I have no say. What am I saying, lol! See? I find it funny to use the laugh-out-loud word in my blog. Queer queer.

So, should I stop my feelings here and right now? Or just to leave it be, let it naturally stop or continue flowing? Forcefully or naturally?

Question is, which will hurt less?