I'm quite afraid now. Afraid of many many things.

I sound like a kid now, don't I? Perhaps I'm still a kid, denying reality. Perhaps I'm just a teenager, facing my raging hormones. I doubt I'm even an adult at facing situations and finding the best possible solution.

I'm crying. Inside. I don't like anyone seeing my tears. They will claim I'm pathetic. I find myself falling deeper and deeper. The more I understand, the more I confuzzle myself. Why can't enough be enough? Why can't it be a simple thing like "Stop it!"? Why do I have to be lead on? Oh how gullible I am... Alas, I feel myself totally lost, no directions. I wish there was a map, you know? Just to get my way out. A shortcut! Anything! Just make this whole shit stop! I'm egging pissed!

Do you know how I feel? What do you know? To brace myself, not to ever break down in front of you, I smile and pretend as though nothing will break me down. My confidence is strengthened with sarcasm and wit. Armed with the knowledge that you won't be mine. Armed with the facts that I'm just helping you because I'm sincere. But aren't I so selfish?

I thought I was doing this just so you can be you. But I know I just want to be near you, be with you, hear you. Listen. To you.

Claise, lately all of my rants have been about him. When can I stop this? When?! WHEN?! I'm so mad! It's as though my life revolves around him! I should stop this! I SHOULD STOP! This will only bring tears to my eyes.

Maybe I should blog about Thursday, 23rd July 2009.

What happened? Remember me and him texted? Exactly on 23rd July. Just early morning. Ok. That night, I dropped by my outlet. Unexpectedly saw him. Ok. I mean, he dropped by. That day, I was contemplating about wearing earrings, you see. But I ended up wearing them. What was my shirt colour? White. With dark jeans. He wore earring, white shirt with dark jeans like mine. ESP much? I dare not think about it. Whatever. We went out. To eat. See him eating dinner. We talked about numerous crappy things. Silence were peace. He originally wanted to treat me. But I bought orange juice for him, left the money on our table and purposely forgotten about it to buy my Cheng Tng. I think I hurt his pride. Ah, he went shopping alone before he dropped by. But I dragged him out, to go see the shops with me. How did he ever know that I'd be at the shop... But whatever then. I really don't want to put too many thoughts on this.

I feel like a loser, you know? Hiding behind my smile. Again, I'm hiding behind layers after layers. How many times have I actually stated this fact?

I want to talk to you. I want to unveil all my thoughts. I hope after this, you won't hate me. Because, that's exactly what I want you to do. To hate me.

I will talk to you. My promise. My vow.

I will tell you to stop this. Stop leading me on and on. Perhaps I'm deluded. Perhaps, I'm the one with the problem. Stop feeding me with sweet poison. Give me the bitter medication. Can I ignore you tomorrow? For one day? Can I remind myself?

This has to stop. One way or another. I don't care if you come to hate me. Hate me then. But enough is enough. I have enough problems already. You just added the worst on me.