out of focal point, into the bizarre world of blur
Thursday, July 30, 2009/ 7/30/2009 11:10:00 pm
You know when it seems you've worked your life out and things just doesn't seem to go the way you planned? Unwanted elements of life entered your life, swaying you from your decision. Truly, it is what you meet, not what you seek. Sometimes, I wonder if I've worked my life out. I can't seem to find myself in this world. How ominous it is that in my life and in religion, I can never be married. Not that I'm interested in one right now but it just gives me an ominous feeling that I'd die alone. A spinster, or whatever.
Right now, the word "alone" sends shivers up my spine. Do you know why, Claise? Just today, Sir Yang and David and I were chit-chatting. I looked at both and I realise Yang is lucky. I looked at David and I realised, I wanna see his face. Everyday. I want to see that smiling face. That laughing face. Oh gosh! I feel like breaking down. How it all boils down to him leaving Singapore one day. How it all boils down to how he feels. How it all boils down to... nothing. I hate it. I really detest that. I don't feel like speaking to anyone about this because I'm sure they're bored of my problems and my topic. Of only. I'm so scared. I want someone to save my ass again. I need someone to save me. I'm a girl in distress now.
Then again, why am I unable to see myself living past twenty? Maybe it's just a stupid feeling. But it sure as hell feels strong. I call it my instinct. I just cannot see myself anywhere in this world. Anywhere at all. Not in Singapore. Maybe I should lie dead, somewhere, in an unknown world, unknown place, where I'm not known at all. I don't belong here, definitely. I'm that odd little piece, aren't I? Figures.
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
Mark Twain
So, if it does indeed boil down to this, does that mean I can take him? I think not. But that quote gave me a queer feeling. And this.
Telah Allah tentukan dan temukan jodoh setiap insan dan telah Allah jamin kebahagiaan dengan syarat carilah sendiri kebahagiaan yang telah Allah janjikan itu.
It's from Suara Hati, by Anis Ayuni. A book which I favored. A lot. It means that God has already guaranteed our soulmate and happiness with condition, search for that happiness that was promised to you.
Such a heartfelt quote. I feel like searching and searching but to no avail. Perhaps now, is a time. But then again, he will disappear. From my life, one way or another. Not meant for the eyes of him, really. I hope he won't ever read this blog. If he reads, I'm pretty sure he'll hate me. Shun me. Ignore me. Scoff off at me. At most, seeing me as a nonexistant.
So, what am I to be afraid of? Myself?
I suppose.
0 bothered.
what was my intention and what i did...
Nevertheless, I find myself irresistably drawn to him. He's like my life potion, end of story. On Tuesday, I bought a silly little 3d 4-leaved clover. It means good luck. I really hope I am giving him good luck because for all I've known, I've been giving everyone a piece of my bad luck. I'm so super, I can cry out loud. So, me and Marina tried fixing that little clover. On and off, I failed and passed. But ok, whatever. We managed to fix it in the end. There was an odd little piece that kept falling off, unable to fit in with the rest and bizarre! I managed to fit it. Voila! A completed four leaved clover. :)!
Wednesday, I did night kitchen. I did cooking. I'm proud of it. The products turned out beautiful!!! :)! Go me. :)! Finally, something different and positive, right? NO!
We're back to him. We didn't talk much. We avoided each other, plainly, me, who avoided him. He tried to chat but gave up. Because apparently, I'm so mad. :(! So anyway. We managed to fix the bond back, except now it is extremely brittle... I rested on his shoulders and he had no qualms about it. What a weird guy. I don't think I can take my eyes off him. I don't think I can just stop myself. I don't think... this is any simple crush any longer. I've fallen deep.
Aku akui aku menyayanginya.
Get my drift, Claise? I don't dare to go all out. But ok. He moved house already. To... Kallang. He better start saving moneys. :)! It's like really. He doesn't mind me harassing him at all. Our eyes, hide so much. When true feelings reveal, we avoid each other's eyes. We're plain cowards. What else can be explained for both of us. I like him. I'm not sure if he does like me. Question is, will anything happen?
Labels: Matters of hearts
0 bothered.
ignorance is bliss
Monday, July 27, 2009/ 7/27/2009 10:49:00 pm
Is it true as to what the quote says? Ignorance is bliss?
But won't you be sending the wrong signals? Won't you ever regret your actions? Won't you ponder what will happen if you didn't try and ignore it? I always wonder and I know the outcome. I won't get dragged around. I won't care what will happen to you. I don't give a stuff about it. I won't fall for you further. I won't think or feel for you. Most of all, I won't have any hopes lingering in my mind.
So, it is as dangerous to ignore as to not ignore. But which outcome will provide me the better resolution? I'm confused much. It seems as though the more such matters confuses your life, you'll come to realise you've wasted half your time doing nothing. You think and come with no resolution. You talk to someone about it and you still come to the same spot. You wonder and try not to think about it and you go back to thinking and it gets you nowhere. Not to mention you'll never get anywhere. Have you ever done such a useless thing in your life? Well, I am doing it right now. Blogging about such silly matters, it seems I'm wasting my time. All I can do is just to blog about my matters, not getting anywhere, not going somewhere. All I can do is just keep myself sane. I'll be sane for a while. Should I write another entry soon, it means I'm back to being insane. I'm really crazy, aren't I?
Why do people keep blogs? Many claim it's a waste of time. Others say people can look into your private matters so easily. I used to think that way. But right now, typing seems like a much more faster and fashionable way to write out your daily thoughts and rants instead of writing it all down. I used to think that blogging is just a waste of time. I could be better off gaming or whatever. Right now, gaming is so far away from my mind. It's not a resort which I can go to everytime I need a break. No. Gaming, in fact, gives me more problems. Online gamers are such retards at times. Well, I am too. Well, it's mostly thanks to Claise that I've managed to keep my thoughts in track. It will be a life-long thing. I don't think I'll be giving up on Claise anytime soon. It's like a part of me. Claise is a part of me. My sub-conscious, as one say. The only one that I can fall back on, rant my thoughts out and just be myself. The real me. With so much ponderings. With so many to say out. With much to babble.
Me? Well, in real life, all I can do is just be a brazen person. Note, brazen doesn't mean brave. What it really means is shameless and bold. Yes. I do silly things in real life. I make people laugh. I laugh out loud. I act like a swa-koo in front of many. I openly talk to strangers and people. What I do is just the opposite of me. I really enjoy these things but really, until when? Is this all part of growing up? Or maturing? I find that being brazen makes me feel like a small child. Maybe I am. Or maybe everyone thinks I am. Because of this, no one dares to trust me. No one dares to share their problems with me. No one dares to ask for my help. Because I appear so immature. Maybe I'm happy about it. Maybe I'm disappointed that people can't place a single percent of faith in me. I don't come to trust anyone so easily. It's always willingly given and harshly taken back. By people. They do that to me. They don't realise that behind those mischievious eyes, I have so much matters running through my mind. I hide behind a mask. A mask to live and survive. I feel pathetic but always, I keep my tears behind. No matter how the going gets tough, I never shed tears. I don't like it. I feel so... fake. So... crocodile. Crocodile tears.
Let's go back. To today.
Saturday, I cut my thumb by accident. Sunday, my index finger. Today, hot water on both hands.
Why is it so? Is it because I want to deliberately remind me of the pain? I leave my wounds in the open. It hurts but I just let it be. But really, no physical pain can overcome any emotional pain. Dare I wrist myself? That seems like a silly thing to do and I don't want to be a suicidal kinda person. I don't want to scare anyone but it is as though I enjoy scaring myself. It is as though I'm a sadist. I enjoy seeing people suffer. But why do I especially enjoy seeing myself suffer? Is there a word for it? I don't know. I may or may not look it up.
Ok, I find this song very very meaningful to my otherwise hectic, problematic life.
張震岳 & 蔡健雅 - 思念是一種病 (Si Nian Shi Yi Zhong Bing)
當你在穿山越嶺的另一邊
dang ni zai chuan yue ling de ling yi bian
我在孤獨的路上沒有盡頭
wo zai gu du de lu shang mei you jing tou
一輩子有多少的來不及 發現 已經 失去
yi bei zi you duo shao de lai bu ji fa xian yi jing shi qu
最重要的東西 恍然大悟 早已遠去
zui zhong yao de dong xi huang ran da wu zhao yi yuan qu
為何總是在犯錯之後 才肯相信 錯的是自己 他們說這就是人生
wei he zhong shi zai fan chuo zi hou cai ken xiang xin
chuo de shi zi ji ta men shuo zhe jiu shi ren sheng
試著體會 試著忍住眼淚
shi zhe ti hui shi zhe ren zhu yen lei
還是躲不開應該有的情緒 我不會奢求世界停止轉動
hai shi duo bu kai ying gai you de qin xu wo bu hui she qiu shi jie ting zhi zhuan dong
我知道逃避一點都沒有用
wo zhi dao tao bi yi dian dou mei you yong
只是這段時間裡 尤其在夜裡 還是會想起
zhi shi zhe duan shi jian li yiu qi shi zai ye li hai shi hui xiang qi
難忘的事情 我想我的思念是一種病
nan wang de shi qing wo xiang wo de si nian shi yi zhong bing
久久不能痊癒
jiu jiu bu nen quan yu
當你在穿山越嶺的另一邊
dang ni zai quan yue ling de ling yi bian
我在孤獨的路上沒有盡頭
wo zai gu du de lu shang mei you jing tou
時常感覺你在耳後的呼吸
shi chang gan jue ni zai er hou de hu xi
卻未曾感覺你在心口的鼻息
que mei cheng gan jue ni zai xin kou de bi xi
oh~ 思念是一種病
si nian shi yi zhong bing
oh~ 思念是一種病
si nian shi yi zhong bing
一種病
yi zhong bing
汲汲營營 忘記身邊的人需要
xi xi ying ying wang ji sheng bian de ren xu yao
愛和關心 借口總是拉遠了距離 不知不覺 無聲無息
ai he guan xin jie kou zhong shi la yuan le ju li bu zhi bu jue wo sheng wu xi
我們總是在抱怨事與願違 卻不願意回頭看看自己
wo men zhong shi zai bao yuan shi yu yuan wei que bu yuan yi hui dou kan kan zi ji
想想自己到底做了什麼蠢事情 也許是上帝給我一個試煉
xiang xiang zi ji dao di zuo le sheng me chun shi qing ye xu shi shang di ge wo yi ge shi nian
只是這傷口需要花點時間
zi shi zhe shang kou xu yao hua dian shi jian
只是會想念 過去的一切 那些人事物 會離我遠去
zi shi hui xiang nian guo qu de yi qie na xie ren shi wu hui li wo yuan qu
而我們終究也會遠離 變成回憶
er wo men zhong jiu ye hui yuan li bian cheng hui yi
多久沒有說我愛你
duo jiu mei you shuo wo ai ni
多久沒有擁抱 你所愛的人 當這個世界不再那麼美好
duo jiu mei you yong bao ni shuo ai de ren dang zhe ge shi jie bu zai na me mei hao
只有愛可以讓他更好 我相信一切都來得及
zi you ai ke yi rang ta gen hao wo xiang xin yi qie duo lao de ji
別管那些紛紛擾擾
bie guan nan xie fen fen rao rao
別讓不開心的事 停下了腳步 就怕你不說 就怕你不做
bie rang bu kai xin de shi ting xia le jiao bu jiu pa ni bu shuo jiu pa ni bu zuo
別讓遺憾 繼續 一切都來得及
bie rang yi han ju xu yi qie dou lai de ji
::Translation::
Zhang Zheng Yue & Cai Jian Ya - Yearning Is a Kind of Sickness
When you are on the other side of the mountains and hills, there’s no end to my lonely road
In a lifetime how many times are you too late
in discovering you’ve already lost what’s most important to you
Sudden realizations are long gone, why is it only after making mistakes
that you’re willing to believe that you are the one who was wrong
They say that’s just life, you have to try and learn from experience
Try enduring falling tears or you’ll hide yourself away from the feelings you should have
I can’t plead with the world to stop turning,
I know avoidance isn’t useful at all
It’s just that right now, especially at night,
I’ll still think of things that are hard to forget
I think my yearning is a kind of sickness, for so long I haven’t been able to recover from it
When you are on the other side of the mountains and hills, there’s no end to my lonely road
I often think I feel you breathing behind my ears, but I’ve never felt the breath of your deepest thoughts
Frantically forgetting that the people beside us need love and concern,
excuses always increase the distance between us
Unwittingly, unknowingly, we’re always busy complaining and disobeying,
yet we’re unwilling to look back and examine ourselves
Thinking of what foolish things we’ve actually done,
perhaps it’s God testing me
It’s just that this wound requires a bit of time,
it’s just that I yearn for everything that has passed
Those people and things are far from me,
and we eventually will also find distance turned to memories
When you are on the other side of the mountains and hills, there’s no end to my lonely road
I often think I feel you breathing behind my ears, but I’ve never felt the breath of your deepest thoughts
Oh yearning is a kind of sickness, oh yearning is a kind of sickness, a kind of sickness
For how long have you not said I love you,
for how long have you not embraced the people you love
When this world is no longer so lovely,
only love can make things better
I believe, it’s still not too late, ignore those constant disruptions
Don’t make unhappy things stop your progress,
I’m just afraid you won’t speak, just afraid you won’t act
Don't let the regret continue, it’s still not too late
When you are on the other side of the mountains and hills, there’s no end to my lonely road
I often think I feel you breathing behind my ears, but I’ve never felt the breath of your deepest thoughts
Oh yearning is a kind of sickness, oh yearning is a kind of sickness, a kind of sickness
:::End:::
I find myself thinking a lot through this song. Oh. Don't forget Jung Kyeol - You don't know. From the Korean drama, General Hospital 2. Both songs send me to my innermost thoughts. I feel like breaking now. I need to breakdown, I think. Before another day tomorrow. This is another long rant. In fact, one of the longest, I think. Or longest. I'm so lost. I needed to get rid of these impure thoughts and these thoughts that linger. I need to ignore everything that has been going on. Or gonna happen.
So, indeed, I've come to another conclusion. Ignorance is indeed bliss.
Labels: ignorance
0 bothered.
clapping with one hand does nothing...
Friday, July 24, 2009/ 7/24/2009 10:46:00 pm
I'm quite afraid now. Afraid of many many things.
I sound like a kid now, don't I? Perhaps I'm still a kid, denying reality. Perhaps I'm just a teenager, facing my raging hormones. I doubt I'm even an adult at facing situations and finding the best possible solution.
I'm crying. Inside. I don't like anyone seeing my tears. They will claim I'm pathetic. I find myself falling deeper and deeper. The more I understand, the more I confuzzle myself. Why can't enough be enough? Why can't it be a simple thing like "Stop it!"? Why do I have to be lead on? Oh how gullible I am... Alas, I feel myself totally lost, no directions. I wish there was a map, you know? Just to get my way out. A shortcut! Anything! Just make this whole shit stop! I'm egging pissed!
Do you know how I feel? What do you know? To brace myself, not to ever break down in front of you, I smile and pretend as though nothing will break me down. My confidence is strengthened with sarcasm and wit. Armed with the knowledge that you won't be mine. Armed with the facts that I'm just helping you because I'm sincere. But aren't I so selfish?
I thought I was doing this just so you can be you. But I know I just want to be near you, be with you, hear you. Listen. To you.
Claise, lately all of my rants have been about him. When can I stop this? When?! WHEN?! I'm so mad! It's as though my life revolves around him! I should stop this! I SHOULD STOP! This will only bring tears to my eyes.
Maybe I should blog about Thursday, 23rd July 2009.
What happened? Remember me and him texted? Exactly on 23rd July. Just early morning. Ok. That night, I dropped by my outlet. Unexpectedly saw him. Ok. I mean, he dropped by. That day, I was contemplating about wearing earrings, you see. But I ended up wearing them. What was my shirt colour? White. With dark jeans. He wore earring, white shirt with dark jeans like mine. ESP much? I dare not think about it. Whatever. We went out. To eat. See him eating dinner. We talked about numerous crappy things. Silence were peace. He originally wanted to treat me. But I bought orange juice for him, left the money on our table and purposely forgotten about it to buy my Cheng Tng. I think I hurt his pride. Ah, he went shopping alone before he dropped by. But I dragged him out, to go see the shops with me. How did he ever know that I'd be at the shop... But whatever then. I really don't want to put too many thoughts on this.
I feel like a loser, you know? Hiding behind my smile. Again, I'm hiding behind layers after layers. How many times have I actually stated this fact?
I want to talk to you. I want to unveil all my thoughts. I hope after this, you won't hate me. Because, that's exactly what I want you to do. To hate me.
I will talk to you. My promise. My vow.
I will tell you to stop this. Stop leading me on and on. Perhaps I'm deluded. Perhaps, I'm the one with the problem. Stop feeding me with sweet poison. Give me the bitter medication. Can I ignore you tomorrow? For one day? Can I remind myself?
This has to stop. One way or another. I don't care if you come to hate me. Hate me then. But enough is enough. I have enough problems already. You just added the worst on me.
0 bothered.
what we share in a night...
Thursday, July 23, 2009/ 7/23/2009 02:45:00 pm
Well, to start off, I didn't exactly have a great day. Sinus comes and pay me a visit. I doubt he'll go away in a short notice but anyway.
Into the matters of today, yesterday and tomorrow.
School: Hey, all school assignments are done. Today is my last day of class before a one-week break and heading into doomsday. Yes, exams. 3DGA and SNVI. I don't ever recall what I've learnt but eh, I think I shall live, somehow. For some reason. I'm just a homo when it comes to surviving but I survived in the end. You don't recall that I actually stayed up awake till 3am, watching dramas just before my 'O' Level English examinations. My mum was mad. She scoffed at me, because it was a big day and I had to reach school by 7.30. That leaves me exactly 3.5hours to sleep. I had sinus throughout my overall 'O' Level. I'm just a superman when it comes to flu. Or sinus, really. Whichever works better...
Work: Has been demanding, tiring, boring. A regular customer, since day 1 that shop opened, I assumed, till now, has been feasting at our workplace. Yet, so many surprises is in store. She came shouting at the counter. My god, I just came back from the bank, just depositing money. Heathens. I placed faith in everyone to do their best until... the manager from Jurong Point's outlet dropped by. Ah Yong. He came to buy crunchy shrimp, Grilled Salmon and Grilled Seafood Feast. Straightaway, I prepared the food for them. I don't trust anyone else. Not to say I don't have faith in teamwork but this is Ah Yong we're talking about, so I have this habit of being independent and not trusting others to do the best. It's because of the regular customer screaming, thus I decided to snap off at the others, to do better. I don't want this incident to repeat again. Already my shop has been treading on a thin line. I don't want anymore problems. We have enough as it is already. Reputation's in the boiling water. But ok, stuff it.
Friends: I don't know if I should update anything on this. Perhaps not. But I still miss Betty, Jennifer and Gio. :)!
Now, on to the more complicated affairs...
One whole night, full of texts. Discovering each other little secrets. I want to understand you. A lot. I don't know if it is due to my liking for you, or just because. I wish it was just due to my liking. If it's just because, I've felt like I'm walking on fire already. I don't think I like him anymore. It's definitely more than like. I cannot say I love him, right? That's just not right. Maybe it's friendship that grows deeper. Maybe not. But whatever.
I hardly hear you text or speak like that. It sounded like you're really alone in your own world. You love spending time on your own, don't you? You have secrets surrounding you. You're full of them. One by one, I'm gonna uncover them. You're not alone. No one is. I like it when you open up. It seems more you. But it is also you to be full of secrets, mysterious. Why am I harping on this matter again... Doesn't matter now, I guess. It's up to people as to whether they want to see my rants. I'm really in deep waters now, aren't I? Like I said before, I'm going deeper and deeper into the caverns. Am I hopelessly lost, hanging on to a dying torch? Infinite maze, with a thousand and one possible en route out. But no, which path do I choose? I don't see any source of light in my cavern. I can't keep my eyes anywhere. That's what I'm feeling right now. So lost.
You're funny, you know? You treat me to food, if there's no one around. Cheap bastard. Casually asking me if I want anything. God, I'm so god-darned embarrassed. Every little thing we share. Silly jokes. Fights. Talks. People wonder if there's anything between us. In fact, it's only me having a thing for you. What can I say? I'm hopeless. I don't think you can see me more than a sister. I'm so silly. You hang around me like it's the better option than others. X.x! Oh how I harp onto these matters. I don't care about anything. I care only about the best from me to the shop and I care about the little moments I have with you. People never get enough of calling us couple. Tom & Jerry. Laki Bini. Lao Gong Lao Po. It's so silly and hilarious. We're just manager and staff! Nothing more. :)!
Still, despite all that, you didn't deny me, scoff at me or ignore me. I'm so thankful. I'm lucky, aren't I? I love it more that if we fight seriously and not talk to each other, we find ourselves gazing at each other. Full of apology. You scolded me, reprimand me. Just like how I do to you. Mad at each other. I'm mad about you. Haha!
But still... I'm pretty sure 99% you don't like me. It's that 1% that keeps me holding on...
0 bothered.
i'm so angry now!
Thursday, July 16, 2009/ 7/16/2009 12:32:00 am
Why can't I just have a dreamless sleep? I feel so fished-up! :(!
I dreamt last night, he wasn't looking at me. He wasn't even seeing. It was like I didn't exist at all! I'm so hopelessly mad! He was just focused on his life. Without me. We didn't communicate. He had someone else. Oh god. Is that what will happen should I not exist? I'm so saddened. Yet lighter...
Labels: keeping you is not a must now.. i feel honoured to even like you at all
0 bothered.
red and green
Tuesday, July 14, 2009/ 7/14/2009 08:22:00 pm
Ok really. It has nothing to do with my blog post. It's really the colors of my mp3 and my friend's. We both use creative, so okay. XD! anyway..
I'm really stupid, aren't I?! Over and over again. Time and again. This is extreme stupidity. Why! O Why!?
If you're wondering Claise, I'm delving into the mysteries of my own heart affairs. It's been posts over posts and yet nothing's changed. What a goof I've been. Alas! Matters of heart do not change so easily, I do declare!
Everyday (almost) I see him, I smile like a total Goofy. Pluto would have probably licked me to death but by my honest swear, I really grin way too much. We have this weird bond. It's probably a sister-brother bond?? I don't know. I care for him. But I know the difference. Between looking up to someone as a brother and really liking someone. Looking up to someone as a brother means you can care for him but not having the wish to stay with him because, you know, he... somehow just doesn't fit into your own photo frame of you-and-him kinda thing. Besides, you have no intention of taking care of them because hell, they're the ones who have been taking care of your own ass. You can just tell, you know?
Liking someone is another matter entirely. When you just feel that certain... bond. You can't wait to see them. You think of them. You hold on to their words like it's your life potion. It just seems so different than having a brother-like relationship with him. That sorta thing.
Lately, I've been galled into thinking that he's just feeling this sisterly-brotherly relationship with me. Ok. So siblings do fight, don't they? I wish I could say the same. I really wish I could. The problem is, whether or not I'm a Gemini, where mind rules over heart, this is something I can't deny, this... feeling. I'm getting bored of trying to control my feelings. I'm sick of trying to think whether it'll work out or not. I get tired easily by just wondering. I'm getting nervous as to when it will really end, because you see, it's really a sweet feeling with hints with bitterness. Nothing feels quite like a bittersweet feeling, eh? I fall asleep, wondering if he falls asleep with me as his final thought before slumber takes him away.
I'm getting
TIRED!AND SICK!
AND BORED!
GOD! I'm really having one of those internet personality disorder. Really.
Despite having caplocks, I'm still sipping my pineapple juice away. Out and away!
Background music, The Call. Really. What has gotten into me. -.-! First it was chinese melodies, which I decided to get over with, well, because he wanted to be with someone else so much. I figured I should just get it over with. Boys Over Flowers got me obssessed again, with korean music, this time round. After which, Narnia. Really.
I figured out what the shit happened. But no. I figured no shit out! That's like saying I have the knowledge and all the formulas to solving... like say... 5+3-8=0! IT ENDS UP WITH A ZERO! For heaven's sake! I haven't solved a goddamned thing!
I swear it. I've had enough with following my instincts. I shouldn't drag myself all around because of him.
Oh, didn't I say I hated the lines of friendship? It puts me nowhere, for the love of mother and child! I feel like I'm at the buoy, you know? Floating with no hopes of real rescue, letting the waves slowly crash me back to the beach, or remain floating, dying slowly inside. First, killing all hopes. Secondly, of thirst. Followed by hunger. Then death shalt claim me. What's after? Either the sharks have feasted on me or the sea gulls will have the joys of pulling my carcasses.
Friendship just give you that flickering hope that is supposedly non-existant. It's either yes or no. There's no maybe. It's annoying that I get to play with him and vice-versa and hear his problems yet I can't do the same! But whatever. It is I who forced him to talk. Besides, what am I supposed to talk about? Heart affairs? School matters? Sheesh. I'm a goner. It all revert back to me. Whatever.
I should get my act up. I should just forget all these. I should just get over it.
That was my resolution. And I was right.
Was is the keyword here.
Lately, my only resolution is simple. Whatever will be, will be. What, did I turn into this Que Sara Sara nursery rhyme? God. Ok, to be honest, in fact, I think my resolution was more like...
I like him. He hates me. I'm still friends with him. That is the best, right?
WRONG! Obviously I'm hurting myself. I've hidden underneath so many layers. I feel like I need him. It's probably a
want, mind you. Next, I'll go, oh really? Just because I need you, does it seem like I really do? I'm not so pathetic. Under that, I'll be sad because, really, I can never move his heart. Under that, I need him.
Layers after layers. I feel pathetic.
You know, pathetic?
0 bothered.
the call of feelings..
Friday, July 10, 2009/ 7/10/2009 05:55:00 pm
I figured I should blog some of my thoughts.
I found myself getting fond of this song, The Call by Regina Spektor. Yes, Narnia - Prince Caspian.
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it, too
Doesn't means that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye bye
This song explains much on what I'm thinking. This is much related to the Narnian movie, Prince Caspian, between Susan and Caspian. War after wars.
For me, it holds a deeper meaning. This war doesn't just literally meaning a simple, 3-lettered, tough, all-out-guns-and-machines-and-tanks war. It means the rage of the heart affairs. Be wary of your friends. Are they true or not? If they know and don't spill on you or betray you in war, like say best friends betray one another because they both like the same guy or some sort that kind of dilemma.
All in all, I think he finds me way pathetic. A false confidence, easily crushed. I hate people who cross my path because, simple, I love an easy-way out. It means lashing. I don't know.
I'm just a confused little girl sitting in the real world, with exceptionally good sense for no-directions and is totally lost.
0 bothered.
hi me
Friday, July 03, 2009/ 7/03/2009 10:44:00 pm
well hello Claise.
Been a while, huh? I seem to have lost track of time. Before I knew it, it's friday again. Means the next day, I have to work from morning till midnight. Such a tiring day, I fell into slumber for 3 hours. I woke up and realised, I haven't changed my bedsheets. Sigh. I'm so pathetic. And tired. What else...
So much crossed my mind, but anyway, I don't feel like pouring everything in here. Let me ponder upon my own thoughts. So often, I got caught dazing off. Dozing off. Dreaming away. Maybe the lack of sleep is doing this to me. I'm starting to have serious sleeping disorder problems. I am only able to catch 3 hours of sleep to brave through the rest of my 20 hours of staying awake. I will sleep for 30 minutes, wake up and stay awake for half an hour or so and it repeats. It becomes an annoyance really. Panda eyes. It's part of Susu now. I can't get rid of it.
School has been... a way out, to relieve some stress. In a way so twisted. I feel free that I have nought to think about. But also, school project is another crap. >.>;;!
Work has been stressing, and annoying for most part. I'm pissed. Because I didn't get my mystery shopper. And pissed, because the shop is fucking dirty and well... die. That lady is gonna drop by again. I have no doubts at all that she'll check the whole fucking shop and just piss me off. So fucking annoyed. Her and her sweet-no-playing-around-sarcastic tone. It fagging pissed me. Almost to the point where I felt the need to just slap her face and start to piss her off on the fucking spot. I wish she can tell me, which shop ever scored under her scrutinization? Egging her. She talk like the all-mighty her. I feel like a red ant. Small under her glare yet ready to bite her anytime.
But ok. Whatever.
life is cruel but no one said it has no options
0 bothered.