food poisoning
Friday, August 28, 2009/ 8/28/2009 06:52:00 pm
So, today started off horribly.
Let's chit chat about yesterday, shall we?
About 5.45, I met Marina and so out we go, to Kampong Glam. We walked about, aimlessly, trying to find the food bazaar and when we did, we bought some Kebab Pita and Dengdeng. However you spell that word. I'm dyslexic, ahah! So we walked back to Banquet, trying to find some seats amongst the crowd that settled in. Most of them were Muslims. Haha! Trying to break fast. I bought Sirloin Steak. Costed me 9. Marina bought Grilled Salmon with Rice. The steak was perfectly medium-done. *licks* But the Salmon wasn't so fantastic to my tongue. I think LJS's Salmon is far nicer. No pun.
After which, we went to Raffles Shopping Centre, to shop for chocolates. Ahaha! The Cocoa Trees. All imported chocolates. It's a choccie-heaven for choccie-lovers. I'm not such a huge fan of chocolates but hey, doesn't stop me from buying chocolates. I bought that... Bendick's Mingles. Originally costed me 25 or 28. But after discount, 19.85. Happy happy deals! It was my all-time-favourite flavour, chocolates with hints of mints. There were 5 different mint-related flavours in the box I bought. So, here I am, right now, munching on some. Yes, I didn't fast today but let's leave today's details for later. So, after which Marina suggested she wanted to go and grab some coffee. I told her to try Coffee Club but yikes, notoriously full and we didn't know how to go about ordering for our coffee, so yeah. In the end, with my insistence, we ended up in... Tiong Bahru! Haha! Yes. My work place.
There we go, buying Coffee Bean, Pure Vanilla Ice Blended. Somehow that Caramel Ice Blended tasted so much more fantastic the last time me and Marina went to visit the Merlion's Coffee Bean. Oh, I gave my colleagues some chocolates. Especially Kak Edah. She's a fan-crazed woman over chocolates, goes without saying. I gave some for her kids as well. Thamarai as well. So, I went in kitchen to chit chat with Abu, see how life is going for him. So far so good. I had to sneak in. I felt so much like a thief. Haha! But yeah, my main intention was to stalk Mister D. I feel so much like a stalker but perhaps it was a sign for today, somehow. I didn't chat to him. In fact, it was a total ignorant-thing ongoing. 'Til he chatted to me, that is. Apart from that, it was just a one-two word reply to his questions. I know I feel like ignoring him for a little but hey, I guess it was ok. I just wished he didn't talk to me.
Run away so my eyes can't find you. So my feelings don't grow. So my heart doesn't know.
That was from blog-hopping. Sara's blog, Bertie's friend. Man, I'm so much like a true stalker. Ok, I'll go be an euphemist about this. A private detective, hah! Now that's less vague, is it not?
So, we come to today. I woke up at 8am and went back to sleep. till 8.25... I was like "Shit shit, late late, ffs!". Yes, it was all profanities from then on. So, took a quick bath and yes,
BATH, not
shower. Ok, so hobey! Reached work about 9.20. Abang wasn't mad, in fact, think he's used to my ability-to-turn-up-late-at-the-best-of-times. Okok, I wasn't punctual. Haha!
Then, it started. At first, it was just an innocent cough and the need to vomit my mucus out. Slowly, but surely, it got worse. I started vomitting. The need to clear my anus was great as well. At first, I was confuzzled as to why I was behaving so. The more I vomitted, the more I realise it was due to food poisoning. At last, I couldn't take it, I requested Abang to let me go. Couldn't do much. I was vomitting pretty badly. Had to break fast at that point. Abang was pretty mad because I didn't heed him. He told me to break fast seeing I was feeling sick. True enough, that point of time, I felt like a sick chicken. I was just too stubborn till I couldn't take it. I had to devour something sweet. Hacks. After which, I punched out when Kak Siti texted me back. I ran to the toilet, 2nd floor. It was because there was a tap. But fuck, someone shitted and left a bloody mess. So, off I go to the third floor. Without an option, I just ran in to the cubicle. Ok, private moments there. But yes, I still kept vomitting.
So, I confessed to Abang, thinking it's probably food poisoning and that probably tomorrow, I can't make it to work. Then again, I'm feeling so much better now. Whatever tomorrow will decide, I'll see to it. So, I rushed out, grabbed a cab, holding my squirming belly and resisted the need to puke. Thank heavens, the driver was hella fast. He zoomed at a bloody rate of 110km/h. Super. Thank you, sir. If it weren't for you, it'd probably turn out unthinkable. Off I went to the ladies to puke again. Sigh. After which, I withdrew some cash, (thank you daddy, for telling me NOT to spend) and visited a general patrician. Doc said it's a bad case of food poisoning. No fasting for today. So, I rushed home. Bills costed me 34.40. Lucky it wasn't 50++.
Vomitted and diarrhoea again. But I ate my medication, to vomit every single damned thing out of my gut 40 minutes later. Heh. After which, was so much better. :)
So, food poisoning, I conclude, SUCKS BALLS! Hahaha!
I'm feeling ok now. Should be able to work tomorrow.
Labels: ramblings
0 bothered.
shagged out
Sunday, August 23, 2009/ 8/23/2009 05:53:00 pm
Time to chill. I definitely need a chill pill. Or antidepressant. Whichever works. So, I've tried avoiding blogging. Not avoid, really. More like I haven't the time and effort to just write down... stuffs. Things like... I don't know. No events happens in my life. Just so boring, ya know? Then again, it's not like I need more dramas in my life.
So! I've been playing this Dragonica game. It's kinda simple 3d side-scrolling game. Kinda adorable if you asked me. The Singapore version seems to be much more updated than the other versions. Probably because it's Sing-ah-poree. Haha! I don't know what to blog, really. I'm feeling tired and queerly energetic.
So, fasting month. Big deal, huh? Working while fasting. This is the 2nd Ramadhan that I'm going through with LJS. I know. It's been a year now since I've started working at LJS. I didn't expect to last this long but then again, I'm not complaining much. Perhaps this is just a start. To my never-ending life. Until I die, that is.
One topic bothers me. What do I call "friend"? A friend. In my opinion, it's not just simply hanging out. It's more of how they enter your life and stay with you. Not as a soulmate, I mean. How many friends do I have, for real? Not to criticize or anything but I feel like I'm only surrounded by few good friends. Those past friends are just past. But hey. I pretty much like my current low-profile, no-friend life. I don't believe in talk-today-and-forget-tomorrow. That's just chatting to strangers. Like Ben's friend. He smsed me suddenly, claiming that he took my number from Ben. I hate these kind of people. Who asked for numbers. Or give away numbers. No doubt if you're friends and you give your friend's number to another friend, simply because they need it for contact purposes, that's fine by me. But if say you ask for a stranger's number, that's just beyond comprehension. Or even give away a stranger's number. I don't care. But strangers remain as strangers.
Yet, I still have to say my goodbyes to this perfect stranger of mine one day. It's coming, I know it. So far, he hasn't contaminated my mind. I mean, yes, I do think about him but I'm putting in more and more efforts trying not to think. So now, it became an occasional thing for me. To just think of him once in a while. It takes all of my willpower not to text him and to pester him. Maybe one day, I can do that with ease. Maybe one day, I won't have to think about such nonsense. Maybe one day, all these will go away.
All of my wishful thinking, will it ever come true? Am I really putting in the effort to even go about doing it? Saying it and concluding everything, it's just a speculation, isn't it? Total guesswork. A conjecture that I cannot grasp just because I don't have the physical evidence of it. What is the evidence, you ask, Claise? The fact that I don't think about him. Or taking no effort not to text. That kinda thing. The horror of life. It's not due to tragedies, really.
True horror lies in your hands and mind, whatever bad things happen because of you and you're solely responsible for such. It's all your fault and you settle it. Yes, that's the true horror of life.
In one word, life is incomprehensible.
0 bothered.
when the clock strikes 11.11
Monday, August 17, 2009/ 8/17/2009 10:10:00 pm
There's a myth that whenever the clock strikes 11.11 or 01.11 and you happened to see the clock, your eyes should never leave the clock till the 4th digit turns 2. Also, when your eyes are set upon the clock by chance and the time is shown as so, it means that someone is thinking about you.
I don't know if that's true or not but my mind is set awhirl whenever I see the time as such. I wonder if he thinks about me like I do about him. Too often now, I keep seeing 01.11 or 11.11. Blah! I'm so disgusted yet strangely content with the fact that someone is thinking about me. Probably in the realms of the dead, it's probably my mum thinking. *shrugs* Probably. I best not get my hopes up.
I feel so tired and whatever lately. Lack of sleep does that I assume. So, now I'm downloading some songs right now. I can't think so yeah. Random songs and random junks thrown in.
So, today I went to make my IC. It costed me 60 instead of 100. Lucky. :X! Because it got stolen, DOT! Then went to eat Fish & Co. with Marina. I ate my fish and chips with rice! YAY for fish! So yummy! :D!
Sigh. I can't think. Can't think of anything! Gah!
0 bothered.
Hooked again
Friday, August 14, 2009/ 8/14/2009 10:51:00 pm
Hooked again to my stupid favourite author! James Rollins. Amazonia. His 2nd oldest book I think. Just so fascinating. It's all about science, plantations, mutations and total biology!
Sigh! I feel like texting him but then I feel like I'm a stalker if I text too much. He didn't reply. What can I expect. Sigh. Total sense of impending doom. Lately, he's intruding my heart again. If it ever boils down to matters of the heart, it just simply makes me clueless. A detective with no point of beginning. I truly dislike the feeling. I should plainly ignore him, clearly doing it. But no. Since when he became such an important factor in my current life, I haven't any inkling.
He's like an unwanted visitor in my life, slowly becoming a vital person in my eyes. Yet he doesn't know that he's the focus point of my moods, happiness and insomnia. I feel a headache coming. I don't feel like thinking. In fact, right now, schizophrenia sounds so fantastic. I like the concept of using euphemisms for my manner of speech now. To be vague in my speech, to be mild in my anger, to be indirect to the direct. The idea sounds great now. Must be totally due to Bet's that I'm like this. No doubt. But we both sure have some common things in background.
I totally agree with her that while we're attracted to our perfect strangers, they're the main of cause of our dilemmas. All we do is think and think but it totally gets nowhere. No doubts we harbour feelings and the need to speak is great yet we prefer concealment. Sometimes, we wish it will all go away but that'll probably leave us empty and give us nothing to feel about and that's probably gonna get to a worse stage. Questions such as, I wonder if I can find someone like him? or I wonder if we chat, will we be friends? or what not.
Writing it down seems to make some sense out of everything but not all of it is figured. Sometimes, I wonder why the mind works such. Why do we think too much? Why can't there be a disease where we won't think of such things? Where the mind degenerates? Where the memory deteriorates? Alzheimer's, right? But that's so far away. But sometimes, one has to be careful what one wishes. But I wish, time and again, I'm in comatose state. Never a day passed where I wished I have that. I may worry so many people but in my selfish state, I don't want to think about anything at all.
Maybe, I could work with ignoring everything. Schizophrenic, ya know?
0 bothered.
again i'm blogging
Thursday, August 13, 2009/ 8/13/2009 12:00:00 am
Here I am again, blogging about my daily life. Which is nothing much. I just got pretty much pissed off again. I chatted to my aunt about my missing wallet and had to blab it to my dad. I was mad. Because I didn't plan on telling my dad about it. Now he's just accusing me again. I'm really sick to the core, hearing the same ol' curses and swears. Treating my friends like dirt when in reality, they're the ones who heard my problems and helped pulled me out of dirt. All he does is just nag at me. I know he's worried and concerned but don't ill-speak of my friends. It just gets all kinds of wrong. That's just degrading my friends, who helped me.
Not all I met have been sincere in hearing. Like how I ranted, Mister Cold-Shoulder wasn't exactly sincere. What he said "if like can get cash from me", that totally blew me off Earth. Never have I met someone so... insincere. Like, totally. It totally got to me, I suppose. Doesn't help that I don't get my tempers checked and what not.
So, why has that insincere dude became my centre of attention again? I feel so ill-used, you know? He may not know that and may not know that he's indirectly using me. Oh, just once I wish he's reading everything in my blog. Then he'll know all my thoughts and nightmares that he's sent me to. Perhaps 75% of my blog details may be all kinds of wrong to him but that 75% is how I feel, see it, think of it. It may not be the best description but that's how far it gets.
So, exams in 9 hours and I'm not sleeping yet. I'm like a total... insomniac. I can't sleep without having some thoughts in my mind first. It's like an everyday thing to me. You know? Thinking and listening to music, read some books if it gets any worse. I wish I can simply send myself into oblivion, oblivious to everything.
I wanna get into a soporific mood, where all my conjectures and daydreams come into one, thinking this will happen or that won't happen. I'm so sick of facing facts and truths everyday. I wish I can delude myself into believing that one day, such a day will arrive, knocking into my door. I can't seem to be getting there or just simply inviting Lady Dreams into my doorstep, ringing the doorbell and me answering it. No. In fact, all I can think is how and why. Why did this happen? Why didn't that happen? Really. All these thinking should be sending me somewhere but no. I'm not getting anywhere.
It doesn't help that I wanna text him. I know he's still awake, but there's probability of him snotting bubbles now. I don't know. I'm more daring when I text him. Asking him this and that. Silly notions of a simple crush. Yet it got so much further than a simple liking. A simple adoration. No, it had to reach the stage where I'm incurable, tempers and moods hitting on me, his words scarring me, his moods tempering on mine, the stage where him and I are roaring at each other, simply trying to gain some understanding. I want to know him better. I want him to not misunderstand me. But then again, I'm simply tired of these games. But it's these games that makes you understand each other better, right? But why as though the more we have it, the more we distance ourselves? From ourselves and each other? We get along with others but when we come to us, we're simply too egoistic or maybe simply too tired to care or to bother.
Maybe it's just me making a fuss about everything. Afterall, I do admit I'm a whiney kid.
0 bothered.
chamomile tea
Wednesday, August 12, 2009/ 8/12/2009 12:18:00 am
yes. Topic is on chamomile tea, but I doubt it'll last more than 2 sentence. Here I am, watching Extreme Ghostbusters again. My only distraction. Or so I assumed. :X! Sipping my chamomile tea. Sweetened by honey and milked with low-fat milk. So, I'd probably be sleeping late again. Seeing there's caffeine in my tea. Here I am, on my thoughts.
So, I've tried watching 1 Litre Of Tears. I think I can try watching it. I will watch it tomorrow, probably. After my studying. :X! Only Human by Ken Hirai. I have the song. It's just I didn't listen to it properly. After listening to it and watching it with the lyrics and the English subs of it, I fell in love with it, totally.
So, he started to talk to me. What's with him. I don't know, I'm so mad at him. But I think I still like him. I still care for him. We both got along again but for how long? Until I'm done with him? Until I have no strength left reserved in me? Sigh. Until when?
I need to make my Identification Card. That will cost me 100 bucks. Good griffins.
I admit. I still like him, like him, like him. With my chamomile tea as my resort and my medication, yes. I miss him so much! The old him. The new him. I'm still addicted to him.
0 bothered.
here I go again...
Monday, August 10, 2009/ 8/10/2009 12:12:00 am
Ranting. Hahah! We're not gonna stop ranting, aren't we? I mean,
aren't I?
Who am I kidding! National Day! Oh hooray! O.o! That sounds so... half-hearted but that's what it is! X.X! Good gracious, amusing! So, I watched a good 1/3 of the parade. The first was all about Sang Nila Utama and how he found Singapore. Or Temasek, as it was called back then, me thinks. O.o! After that, the contingents marched in. I've always loved that! :D! Fascinating things! Love how they march! So smart! And handsome! Drools! Harharr! The president will then talk to the main contingent! Gotta love that, hoho! XD!
They're so smart and well-formed. :)! But after that, it was prayers for me and so, the TV was off. Call me bored but I swear I saw a heart shape when the Marines were trying to catch "villains" during their emergency-national-day-drill. Hahaha! XD! Irony of it! Singapore Flyer, Merlion, Esplanade and Marina Barrage were full of peoples, or so the news say.
Texted him. Says he all right. That's all I heard.
Texting Rafiq right now. No doubt it's been fun today, I suppose. So, he treated the gang to sundaes? Haha! Nice of him, today. O.o! Well, like I haven't been treated by humans before. -.-! Besides, I doubt if anyone wants to treat ME in particular. Look at the bright side. Don't treat the plague. Kill the germs in order to get rid of the plague. Sanctify everything! Sanitize all shit. Get rid. Polish! They're cool that way. No doubt I have every rights to be erased from the face of the Earth. Call me a loser already because heck, right now, all I can think of is to hide my tail between my legs and just run and hide somewhere. Under a blanket isn't gonna do much. I need to move away, from troubles, from everyone, from everything.
I didn't claim to be strong. But I didn't deny that I'm weak either. Save your ego and save my pride. Let's play strangers because that's all I can afford now. To see you everyday, it just kinda remind me that people like you step all over me too easily. Treat, be nice and dump. That's what I am. Once broken, considered sold. Feh! I'm not easy. Yes, I'm not. People don't buy me. They just throw me into the bin. Conclusion? Susu should just die and yes.
I'm bragging my purpose. Making it bigger than it was meant to. If you and I were meant to be strangers, then perhaps I should let the hands of Fate play it that way. I'm tired of just trying to fix myself up. It's better that I'm left broken than to use my fragile hands to fix the broken me. I don't need your hands. I don't need you. Most of all, I don't need love. I realise now, and as Richie would have said it, one-sided love ain't gonna get me anywhere. I should slap myself awake now. No more dreams. It's nightmares from now on. Or worse.
Reality.
0 bothered.
voila!
Friday, August 07, 2009/ 8/07/2009 12:32:00 am
So, I've come back from my first death. I'm simply revived! Hahaha!
3DGA exams, I'm probably screwed you know but what the heck! I lost about 25 marks there! But a pass is a pass, I ain't gonna whine too much about it. It's pretty late now. 0033. I should be resting, sleeping. But I have a whole day for that tomorrow. So, here I am, thinking again.
Reading Bet's blog just knocked something into me. Sure, saying Goodbye is never easy. It's, in fact, the start of something called "misery". When you say goodbye, do you truly mean it? I've often want to say that to a certain someone. I've given myself leeways and excuses not to say it. For so long now, I've held it inside. All this blogging, sometimes I wonder if I still like him anymore. If I question myself that, does that mean the feelings still linger? Or are they on their way out? I don't know. Nothing ever seems to make sense anymore. I'm just happy that he's smiling and doing fine. :)!
Perhaps, him and I came to a silent mutual understanding. Things can never be the same again. Too much hurt, too much accusations, too much fightings. We've hurt and been hurt by each other too much. We're not what you call a couple. We're not what you call friends. We're mere strangers working together in the same company. You, just a superior and me, just a staff. There's nothing more than that. Yet often, we've fought seriously. I'm sick of apologizing. I'm sick of being a puppet. I'm sick of thinking about you. How I wish you were reading my blog and you'll understand everything. But I don't need your pity or a "sorry" anymore.
I'll admit. I wanna hear "I kinda like you" from your own mouth. :)
0 bothered.
avoiding...
Wednesday, August 05, 2009/ 8/05/2009 11:35:00 pm
is sometimes a necessary thing to do.
Often as of late now, I'm finding myself blogging more and more. To clear this never-ending amount of thoughts and thinking in my mind, I find that writing it all down seems to be the only option for now. But I tire of just blogging everything. I tire of talking to anyone. Mostly, I tire of how I feel and think. How easy it would be if I just end up in an accident and wake up a week later. How time flies. Will anyone miss me? Will anyone think of me? Will anyone pray for me?
All these thoughts just randomly pop into my mind. It's as though there's a voice in my head that just keeps throwing all kind of random junks into my head. Slowly, my head is choked, full of such rubbish. Just so poppycock. I cannot think clearly, I cannot see clearly. Slowly, I find myself withdrawing more and more from this world and clearly getting absorbed into my own world. The only time when I'm out of my own world is when I'm at work. It's temporary but when I go back, I find myself hiding myself more and more. I find myself unable to smile and laugh sincerely. All done in the name to act normal so no one will be worried about me.
Most of all, if it weren't for a certain
him, my thoughts probably wouldn't be contaminated. Contaminated by presence. Right now, my drive to go to work is just for money. It's never to see anyone. Sure, once in a while, I smile when I think about or see him at work. But lately, more and more of my feelings dissipate. Wasn't I looking forward to this? But why when I write this out, that feeling seems sad? It doesn't give me any... how do I put it into words... motivation? Inspiration? No energy left? Somewhere along those lines. It's as though my energy totally left me. Probably it's because he's drastically changed that I find myself unable to like him, unable to smile at him like last time. Unable to care and understand him any longer. Isn't that the general thumb rule? If you understand a guy more, you love him more? I don't wish to understand already. I refuse to understand anything or anyone. Is this a way of protecting myself? Even if he comes to like me which is definitely something that will never happen, I wonder if I can ever say that I still like him. Right now, he's so far from my thoughts but really, if that's the case, why am I still writing about him? Oh right. It just means I'm still thinking.
When there's nothing to do, my thoughts comes back to me and him. I know I've changed. I know I keep the stating the same boring things, Claise, but do you realise that I've wanted to change for the worse? Sigh. Just what the... When I'm around him nowadays, I cannot find that same comfort zone, that similar comfort level. Maybe it's about time I harden my heart. You know? It's frustrating enough that you throw a cold shoulder on me. It's pretty bold of you to state that work is work and personal matters should be set aside. It's crude of you to just accuse me and throw your tantrum on me. Maybe it's myself. Me myself and I. Oh how I feel like breaking down right now. It seems like a logical resolution. I can feel those tears of mine, threatening to come out. And most of all, it's kind of you to lose your trust in me. So, this is what I get afterall. I warned myself before, time and again. I just refuse to heed my own advice. It's the lone, small voice of reason that is always ignored. It's always instinct, stubborness and ego that makes me the kind of person I am. I'll admit, I don't like to lose. I get jealous. I am possessive. I have a bad temper. I'm not one to be judged. I strongly believe in "Do not judge a book by its cover" because it thoroughly describes me. And most of all, I agree with MW. He said this to me.
MW: I feel like making an avatar that goes "What if one day you'll realise I'm not who you thought I was?"
That caught me so off guard. Because what he said was totally true. I'm weaker than I look. I'm stronger than I look. When I'm at my weakest, I'm vulnerable to everything. When I'm at my strongest, you don't want to cross paths with me. No one will dare tread my path or my footprints if I'm mad. I'm not sincere at all. For everything I've done, it's all beneficial to me. The word "sincere" never seemed to be in my dictionary. But it does turn up unexpectedly, once in a blue moon. I will have my revenge if it is simple enough to be carried out. To avoid complications, I always take the easy way out. I run away from my reality. I make people face their own. I have no queries.
Above all, is it true that my feeling is dissipating? No wonder.
A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious; not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And, when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty.
Yeah, I feel no pain, maybe a little, but it's all so empty. I feed void.
You know, empty?
0 bothered.
a fate so twisted
Tuesday, August 04, 2009/ 8/04/2009 09:11:00 pm
I'm in shock. I've been repulsed at, ignored by, scolded by, frowned upon. All thanks to my colleagues. Whom I've considered can be dependent on should trouble fall upon me. But guess what?! I WAS SO VERY WRONG! Time and again, the answer's just right in front of me. To stop working at LJS. But no! My stubbornness hated to heed my logical side. No. I had to keep working, keep inflicting pain upon myself, wounds after wounds, physically and emotionally and mentally. I'm officially a puppet. A broken doll.
Today, I've lost my wallet. What a fate! I'm not crying about it. In fact, I barely cried. So what actually got to my nerve today? My colleagues. My family photos in my wallets. Photos, memories that can never be replaced, priceless by any measure of golds and diamonds. Something that can never be shared. Something that someone else cannot know about or even feel. Your personal memories.
All right, so what about my colleagues? I so love it how they treat my misfortune as a total joke. Or it doesn't even bother them one bit. I'm totally baffled! I thought some would come and console me. But no! Everyone's too busy with work. Too busy to even care about a colleague. What's the personal best was DAVID. DAVID said this.
David: If you want to scream and shout, go outside and scream and shout. One more time you do this, I'll do something. You scared my customers away.
HAH! Don't you know already? Can't you face reality? LJS will die. Just like A&W and TacoBell. Do you think LJS has the slimmest chance of surviving? Never. Never ever! Besides, the reputation is ruined. Customers are complaining. There are far too many complains than praises being spoken. Too much backstabbings than open sincerity behind doors. Do you think it will even survive? Why do I care about customers? Fine. You're a manager. Ha-Ha. Go care about the sales and your customers. See if they come back and care about you. Ha-Ha.
I don't care already. My mind's sick and poisoned with LJS shit. I need to get away from that environment. I need to leave that sickly unit. I need to just ditch the whole contagious room. All I could think now is nothing but madness. Madness and revenge. I agree that anger clouds the mind but sometimes, it comes to a clear cut decision. To me, anger leads me to sanity where I can talk about everything out, rant my rage and settle my anger. It leads me to, in fact, an even more clearer thinking. No doubt when I'm not at my utmost rage, I delude myself. Cloud my thinking. Relax my whole shitty process.
I'm really hurt by my colleagues whom I've brought them into my level of friendship. My kinda level, where trust is hard to gain. I've come to pour some bit of trust in them. What did they give back to me? Shit. To smilingly put a fake trust and pull every single goddamned thing back, I've had enough. Enough is enough. Kak Siti told me to soften my heart but if I do that, people will step on me. No. I want to harden it. Even if I were to inflict pain on myself, building my spiky walls around my heart, I will know that if people try to come close, they will end up hurting themselves and give up. Give up and go away, don't stay around. Annoying pests.
I'm so insensitive now, I don't cry when harsh reality comes facing me. I'm tough. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I build myself to be that tough so I can just roll over everyone. When I actually cried was when Kak Siti gave me money. She used friendship as an excuse. I hate it. I hate being pathetic. I'm so pathetic. I want people to hate me. Don't they ever get it at all?! WHY CAN'T ANYONE JUST HATE ME?! I love to be alone because being alone, I can never hurt anyone nor can anyone hurt me. She said it in the name of friendship. Why did she swear in front of me like that. Why did she even shared my tears? Why can't my friendship be shallow with her? Why?! I wanted her to hate me aswell. Then I can leave that stupid place for good.
And so, the one I depended most on, was the one who gave me the cold shoulders. Fine. Go on be cold. Go on be secretive. Go on inflicting pain on yourself. Go on. I've had enough of you. 2 days was more than enough to calm myself. 2 days, is enough to forget a silly little crush. Today, was more than enough to prove that you and I, our friendship, is just on a stupid piece of paper. The one who tore it, it wasn't me. Remember, it was you. You asked for it. You did it. Don't question as to what I'm about to do next. You can go talk to rest. I've had enough of your cold shoulder. I've had enough texting you. You can safely say, I've even imagined myself placing a curse on you. Not even a silly four-leaved clover can save your butt. Even if you throw it away, I'll make sure I'll pick it up and throw it even further, somewhere where you can't reach, somewhere where I'll know you won't ever find it because simple, you've given up. You don't care. You're alone. You're nothing more than just a figment of imagination. You're nothing less than my scariest nightmare. You're nothing more than just a stranger. I've admitted. I'm still liking him but it's getting lesser and lesser everyday and hatred settles in. I'm pretty sure hatred settled in your heart aswell. I'm very sure, we're no longer friends. I'm very sure I've lost all my respect for you. And I'm pretty confident, we're not even strangers but enemies. In our hearts, we can only hate each other. Consoled only by the presence of others that we are able to work with each other. But rest assured, I've given up all notions. Enough signals I've picked from you that you hate me, detest me, ahbor me.
Thanks a lot asshole. For making my day complete. And now, goodbye.
0 bothered.
a need is not a want...
Monday, August 03, 2009/ 8/03/2009 11:29:00 pm
yet a want is part of why you need.
O, the irony of quotes.
Look, I'm quite tired of trying to focus myself on life. I've been slipping away into fantasies too much now that I'm starting to find reality a huge burden. I've always thought that reality will turn into a fantasy someday. Perhaps not today then. Maybe it won't ever. I've been distracted too much as of late. What causes the distraction really? I'm just super lost when it comes to the vast areas of psychology and mindset and its ethic morals. Since when have I ever cared what anyone thinks of me? But then again, maybe I'm just paranoid. But does being brazen comes with paranoia? I think not. Perhaps this is just my real self, trying to clear the disputes of the mind. The arguements of the heart affairs.
When it just boils down to reasoning, perhaps I am good at that. Truthfully, I could take up law and perhaps even enjoy it. It exercises my mind. It's a set of logic and facts. A set of manipulations to be played around. A matter to be spoken outloud and debate with. Perhaps, I just enjoy winning. The thrill of victory is very very satisfying, in a greedy kind of way. I don't like to lose. No one does. I don't like anyone stepping in my territory. Perhaps it's how I've been feeling all these times that I'm used to being alone. No help at all. It's as though I don't need anyone helping me at all. It's because with my ability, I believe I can go somewhere.
I know that I'm not that strong but with my ability to bounce back up and my confidence, secured with sarcasm and wit, protected and armed with knowledge and coldness and ruthlessness, I'm not the type whom one can mess with. It's just one entity that I dared not go against. Which is my dad. It's so alike Qiao Qiao Ai Shang Ni. A drama so twisted, it portrays the lifestyle of a girl being controlled by her dad, never escaping the puppet strings, always denying reality.
So, if it boils down to following my instincts and what my heart tells me, I'll say I haven't a clue. It's beating too silently for me to hear, beating too loudly for me to catch anything accurately. It's all echoes of the past, coming straight back up to me, haunting me. It's true what they say. You can't just bury everything. They'll come right back up to haunt you. I'm feeling that now. So much have I buried, trying to hide it, somewhere but there's never a lock strong enough. Never a place big enough. Never a spot fit enough. It comes back out. It overflows.
Look, I don't know what I'm saying. I'm probably drunk with words. Probably drunk with thoughts. Probably drunk with feelings. I doubt I'm sober at all. I didn't even realise what I typed in!
So say, let's go back. It's been 2 days now. I think he's off tomorrow. If indeed I'm right, then it'll be 3 days without seeing him. My heart is starting to calm down. As long as he doesn't start up any antics, I'm pretty sure I'm smooth sailing, on my way out of my own prison. Free myself. I can't possibly take 1 week off just to avoid him and to calm myself! That's just too long! I'm already bored by not working 2 days. What more a single week. Repulsive, really.
So, I texted him earlier on. He didn't bother to reply. I guess I got chucked away. Assuming I got chucked really, what am I to him, really? Ok, so be it if you don't want to reply. I have no say. What am I saying, lol! See? I find it funny to use the laugh-out-loud word in my blog. Queer queer.
So, should I stop my feelings here and right now? Or just to leave it be, let it naturally stop or continue flowing? Forcefully or naturally?
Question is, which will hurt less?
0 bothered.
run away and never return
Sunday, August 02, 2009/ 8/02/2009 08:00:00 pm
I've always fancied myself running away from Singapore. I can't find myself living in this torturous little dot on the face of the planet. It's so small that concrete jungle seemed to have taken over this Singapore. Not much greenery and freedom can be found in this puny little island. No calls for loss, I suppose. I've always wondered if a country-side lifestyle suits my... career-minded, open, brazen attitude. I suppose not? Countryside is like... a soft and relaxing country. Maybe I'm just stressed right now and money is driving me off the map. The need for money. The way I'm driven right now, I don't think I can just settle for a nice, quiet, relaxing place.
Then again, why am I thinking such things is that, I'm just bored. Or sleepy. Or lonely. Wherever I go, I find myself staring at people surrounded with family and friends. I just feel like the odd one out, you know? Who am I? Where do I belong? Where am I supposed to forcefully fit myself? Where can I fit in casually? Such thoughts haunt me. I've always wondered if I'll ever meet anyone who really understands my plight. Then again, maybe I'm just being a whiney kid.
I just decided to paint my nails with nail enamels. Or however you spell that word. I feel like a homo. Or bitchy. I've decided what to buy for my upcoming pay. Believe it or not, I wanna get spectacles. Frameless. After that, ring. Maybe. It's just a string of maybes and ifs.
Don't I hate the word "if". K, that was random.
Betty intro me to this Hunter Valley in Australia. I'm tempted to go there. It's a nice place to go. What was the website again... Oh!
Here! Not a bad idea, I suppose.
Then again, life is boring. I need to get another life. Find something to distract myself with. And wow! Just as I was typing, a sudden headache dropped by. Wow. That's like saying I'm sleepy. XD!
Maybe, like I quote from Betty, we're just "bored peeps".
0 bothered.