You know when it seems you've worked your life out and things just doesn't seem to go the way you planned? Unwanted elements of life entered your life, swaying you from your decision. Truly, it is what you meet, not what you seek. Sometimes, I wonder if I've worked my life out. I can't seem to find myself in this world. How ominous it is that in my life and in religion, I can never be married. Not that I'm interested in one right now but it just gives me an ominous feeling that I'd die alone. A spinster, or whatever.

Right now, the word "alone" sends shivers up my spine. Do you know why, Claise? Just today, Sir Yang and David and I were chit-chatting. I looked at both and I realise Yang is lucky. I looked at David and I realised, I wanna see his face. Everyday. I want to see that smiling face. That laughing face. Oh gosh! I feel like breaking down. How it all boils down to him leaving Singapore one day. How it all boils down to how he feels. How it all boils down to... nothing. I hate it. I really detest that. I don't feel like speaking to anyone about this because I'm sure they're bored of my problems and my topic. Of only. I'm so scared. I want someone to save my ass again. I need someone to save me. I'm a girl in distress now.

Then again, why am I unable to see myself living past twenty? Maybe it's just a stupid feeling. But it sure as hell feels strong. I call it my instinct. I just cannot see myself anywhere in this world. Anywhere at all. Not in Singapore. Maybe I should lie dead, somewhere, in an unknown world, unknown place, where I'm not known at all. I don't belong here, definitely. I'm that odd little piece, aren't I? Figures.

It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.

Mark Twain

So, if it does indeed boil down to this, does that mean I can take him? I think not. But that quote gave me a queer feeling. And this.

Telah Allah tentukan dan temukan jodoh setiap insan dan telah Allah jamin kebahagiaan dengan syarat carilah sendiri kebahagiaan yang telah Allah janjikan itu.

It's from Suara Hati, by Anis Ayuni. A book which I favored. A lot. It means that God has already guaranteed our soulmate and happiness with condition, search for that happiness that was promised to you.

Such a heartfelt quote. I feel like searching and searching but to no avail. Perhaps now, is a time. But then again, he will disappear. From my life, one way or another. Not meant for the eyes of him, really. I hope he won't ever read this blog. If he reads, I'm pretty sure he'll hate me. Shun me. Ignore me. Scoff off at me. At most, seeing me as a nonexistant.

So, what am I to be afraid of? Myself?

I suppose.