Ok really. It has nothing to do with my blog post. It's really the colors of my mp3 and my friend's. We both use creative, so okay. XD! anyway..

I'm really stupid, aren't I?! Over and over again. Time and again. This is extreme stupidity. Why! O Why!?

If you're wondering Claise, I'm delving into the mysteries of my own heart affairs. It's been posts over posts and yet nothing's changed. What a goof I've been. Alas! Matters of heart do not change so easily, I do declare!

Everyday (almost) I see him, I smile like a total Goofy. Pluto would have probably licked me to death but by my honest swear, I really grin way too much. We have this weird bond. It's probably a sister-brother bond?? I don't know. I care for him. But I know the difference. Between looking up to someone as a brother and really liking someone. Looking up to someone as a brother means you can care for him but not having the wish to stay with him because, you know, he... somehow just doesn't fit into your own photo frame of you-and-him kinda thing. Besides, you have no intention of taking care of them because hell, they're the ones who have been taking care of your own ass. You can just tell, you know?

Liking someone is another matter entirely. When you just feel that certain... bond. You can't wait to see them. You think of them. You hold on to their words like it's your life potion. It just seems so different than having a brother-like relationship with him. That sorta thing.

Lately, I've been galled into thinking that he's just feeling this sisterly-brotherly relationship with me. Ok. So siblings do fight, don't they? I wish I could say the same. I really wish I could. The problem is, whether or not I'm a Gemini, where mind rules over heart, this is something I can't deny, this... feeling. I'm getting bored of trying to control my feelings. I'm sick of trying to think whether it'll work out or not. I get tired easily by just wondering. I'm getting nervous as to when it will really end, because you see, it's really a sweet feeling with hints with bitterness. Nothing feels quite like a bittersweet feeling, eh? I fall asleep, wondering if he falls asleep with me as his final thought before slumber takes him away.

I'm getting TIRED!
AND SICK!
AND BORED!
GOD! I'm really having one of those internet personality disorder. Really.
Despite having caplocks, I'm still sipping my pineapple juice away. Out and away!

Background music, The Call. Really. What has gotten into me. -.-! First it was chinese melodies, which I decided to get over with, well, because he wanted to be with someone else so much. I figured I should just get it over with. Boys Over Flowers got me obssessed again, with korean music, this time round. After which, Narnia. Really.

I figured out what the shit happened. But no. I figured no shit out! That's like saying I have the knowledge and all the formulas to solving... like say... 5+3-8=0! IT ENDS UP WITH A ZERO! For heaven's sake! I haven't solved a goddamned thing!

I swear it. I've had enough with following my instincts. I shouldn't drag myself all around because of him.

Oh, didn't I say I hated the lines of friendship? It puts me nowhere, for the love of mother and child! I feel like I'm at the buoy, you know? Floating with no hopes of real rescue, letting the waves slowly crash me back to the beach, or remain floating, dying slowly inside. First, killing all hopes. Secondly, of thirst. Followed by hunger. Then death shalt claim me. What's after? Either the sharks have feasted on me or the sea gulls will have the joys of pulling my carcasses.

Friendship just give you that flickering hope that is supposedly non-existant. It's either yes or no. There's no maybe. It's annoying that I get to play with him and vice-versa and hear his problems yet I can't do the same! But whatever. It is I who forced him to talk. Besides, what am I supposed to talk about? Heart affairs? School matters? Sheesh. I'm a goner. It all revert back to me. Whatever.

I should get my act up. I should just forget all these. I should just get over it.

That was my resolution. And I was right. Was is the keyword here.

Lately, my only resolution is simple. Whatever will be, will be. What, did I turn into this Que Sara Sara nursery rhyme? God. Ok, to be honest, in fact, I think my resolution was more like...

I like him. He hates me. I'm still friends with him. That is the best, right?

WRONG! Obviously I'm hurting myself. I've hidden underneath so many layers. I feel like I need him. It's probably a want, mind you. Next, I'll go, oh really? Just because I need you, does it seem like I really do? I'm not so pathetic. Under that, I'll be sad because, really, I can never move his heart. Under that, I need him.

Layers after layers. I feel pathetic.

You know, pathetic?