Hooked again to my stupid favourite author! James Rollins. Amazonia. His 2nd oldest book I think. Just so fascinating. It's all about science, plantations, mutations and total biology!
Sigh! I feel like texting him but then I feel like I'm a stalker if I text too much. He didn't reply. What can I expect. Sigh. Total sense of impending doom. Lately, he's intruding my heart again. If it ever boils down to matters of the heart, it just simply makes me clueless. A detective with no point of beginning. I truly dislike the feeling. I should plainly ignore him, clearly doing it. But no. Since when he became such an important factor in my current life, I haven't any inkling.
He's like an unwanted visitor in my life, slowly becoming a vital person in my eyes. Yet he doesn't know that he's the focus point of my moods, happiness and insomnia. I feel a headache coming. I don't feel like thinking. In fact, right now, schizophrenia sounds so fantastic. I like the concept of using euphemisms for my manner of speech now. To be vague in my speech, to be mild in my anger, to be indirect to the direct. The idea sounds great now. Must be totally due to Bet's that I'm like this. No doubt. But we both sure have some common things in background.
I totally agree with her that while we're attracted to our perfect strangers, they're the main of cause of our dilemmas. All we do is think and think but it totally gets nowhere. No doubts we harbour feelings and the need to speak is great yet we prefer concealment. Sometimes, we wish it will all go away but that'll probably leave us empty and give us nothing to feel about and that's probably gonna get to a worse stage. Questions such as, I wonder if I can find someone like him? or I wonder if we chat, will we be friends? or what not.
Writing it down seems to make some sense out of everything but not all of it is figured. Sometimes, I wonder why the mind works such. Why do we think too much? Why can't there be a disease where we won't think of such things? Where the mind degenerates? Where the memory deteriorates? Alzheimer's, right? But that's so far away. But sometimes, one has to be careful what one wishes. But I wish, time and again, I'm in comatose state. Never a day passed where I wished I have that. I may worry so many people but in my selfish state, I don't want to think about anything at all.
Maybe, I could work with ignoring everything. Schizophrenic, ya know?