is sometimes a necessary thing to do.

Often as of late now, I'm finding myself blogging more and more. To clear this never-ending amount of thoughts and thinking in my mind, I find that writing it all down seems to be the only option for now. But I tire of just blogging everything. I tire of talking to anyone. Mostly, I tire of how I feel and think. How easy it would be if I just end up in an accident and wake up a week later. How time flies. Will anyone miss me? Will anyone think of me? Will anyone pray for me?

All these thoughts just randomly pop into my mind. It's as though there's a voice in my head that just keeps throwing all kind of random junks into my head. Slowly, my head is choked, full of such rubbish. Just so poppycock. I cannot think clearly, I cannot see clearly. Slowly, I find myself withdrawing more and more from this world and clearly getting absorbed into my own world. The only time when I'm out of my own world is when I'm at work. It's temporary but when I go back, I find myself hiding myself more and more. I find myself unable to smile and laugh sincerely. All done in the name to act normal so no one will be worried about me.

Most of all, if it weren't for a certain him, my thoughts probably wouldn't be contaminated. Contaminated by presence. Right now, my drive to go to work is just for money. It's never to see anyone. Sure, once in a while, I smile when I think about or see him at work. But lately, more and more of my feelings dissipate. Wasn't I looking forward to this? But why when I write this out, that feeling seems sad? It doesn't give me any... how do I put it into words... motivation? Inspiration? No energy left? Somewhere along those lines. It's as though my energy totally left me. Probably it's because he's drastically changed that I find myself unable to like him, unable to smile at him like last time. Unable to care and understand him any longer. Isn't that the general thumb rule? If you understand a guy more, you love him more? I don't wish to understand already. I refuse to understand anything or anyone. Is this a way of protecting myself? Even if he comes to like me which is definitely something that will never happen, I wonder if I can ever say that I still like him. Right now, he's so far from my thoughts but really, if that's the case, why am I still writing about him? Oh right. It just means I'm still thinking.

When there's nothing to do, my thoughts comes back to me and him. I know I've changed. I know I keep the stating the same boring things, Claise, but do you realise that I've wanted to change for the worse? Sigh. Just what the... When I'm around him nowadays, I cannot find that same comfort zone, that similar comfort level. Maybe it's about time I harden my heart. You know? It's frustrating enough that you throw a cold shoulder on me. It's pretty bold of you to state that work is work and personal matters should be set aside. It's crude of you to just accuse me and throw your tantrum on me. Maybe it's myself. Me myself and I. Oh how I feel like breaking down right now. It seems like a logical resolution. I can feel those tears of mine, threatening to come out. And most of all, it's kind of you to lose your trust in me. So, this is what I get afterall. I warned myself before, time and again. I just refuse to heed my own advice. It's the lone, small voice of reason that is always ignored. It's always instinct, stubborness and ego that makes me the kind of person I am. I'll admit, I don't like to lose. I get jealous. I am possessive. I have a bad temper. I'm not one to be judged. I strongly believe in "Do not judge a book by its cover" because it thoroughly describes me. And most of all, I agree with MW. He said this to me.

MW: I feel like making an avatar that goes "What if one day you'll realise I'm not who you thought I was?"

That caught me so off guard. Because what he said was totally true. I'm weaker than I look. I'm stronger than I look. When I'm at my weakest, I'm vulnerable to everything. When I'm at my strongest, you don't want to cross paths with me. No one will dare tread my path or my footprints if I'm mad. I'm not sincere at all. For everything I've done, it's all beneficial to me. The word "sincere" never seemed to be in my dictionary. But it does turn up unexpectedly, once in a blue moon. I will have my revenge if it is simple enough to be carried out. To avoid complications, I always take the easy way out. I run away from my reality. I make people face their own. I have no queries.

Above all, is it true that my feeling is dissipating? No wonder.

A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious; not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And, when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty.

Yeah, I feel no pain, maybe a little, but it's all so empty. I feed void.

You know, empty?