introduction
kismetpsalm@bs
It's your time to shine.
TiTle: Gray Supremacy
disclaimer
please read before proceeding
I don't know what to say. Muted.
-cough-
Saturday, November 26, 2011/ 11/26/2011 12:50:00 am
Laptop's getting hot. No using for tonight. :(! I wanna use my desktop, ARGH. Should I grab contact lens? But.. so troublesome. @_@!
Raina and Jung Ah from After School are soo pretty!~
Raina and Jung Ah from After School are soo pretty!~
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crushed
Monday, November 14, 2011/ 11/14/2011 01:28:00 am
Claise, I'm crushed, so crushed.
My tears are flowing down non-stop. I wish the rain is here to accompany me on this sad and lonely night. I had to say a couple of words to someone whom I cared for dearly. I'm more than just physically attracted to him. I'm emotionally attached. I have to halt these feelings. For the better. For him and me. I'll love him from afar just plain because.
We are so different.
We can never be on the same scale.
We do not have that level of communication.
The way he treats me. It's too good. I can't have him treating me like that forever. I have to stop it myself. I don't want to hurt him and I can't afford to have myself hurt after we both realized we went too far and we're not meant to be. I wanna just smile and just pray for his happiness. If he's happy, I'll be damn happy. He cannot afford to send me mixed signals. I fear for myself should he persist. I fear I will fall for him all over again and he will feel awkward around me. I'd rather chase him away. I'll build more spikes around me. I'll defend myself. Never to fall for words.
His remorse is incredible. Extremely incredible. I just pretend to be all ignorant. He has to wake up. There're millions of people who are as just remorseful as him. I won't deny that what I felt was a tang of jealousy. I wanna just quietly slip away. By the time he wakes up, I want to be unknown, forgotten, no longer existing.
I wonder sometimes why am I such an evil bitch. (Sorry, Claise!) I don't like it when everytime, I gotta back some people up. I gotta understand their pain. Am I so kind? HELLO! I'm a HUMAN BEING, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Do I look like I must understand all y'all pain?? Damn it. Why don't you understand that I have my fair share of problems as well? Wtf. I should just point-blank shoot myself.
When he mentioned about my mum, it just took that moment to recall what I think was the saddest point of my life.
She was in the hospital, lying down alone. She was surrounded by so many relatives, all chit chatting happily with her. Suddenly, something happened. I couldn't recall what was it. I guess I purposely shut that part of my memory away. She was suddenly on oxygen mask and I was breaking down apart. My cousin brother had to tear me apart from my mum. He said that my mum cannot risk seeing me sad and crying for her. I left the room unwillingly, half-dragged and I broke down. Terribly. Outside, at that point of time, all I know that she's going to leave me soon. Only a glass panel separated me and her. My cousin was telling me to be strong and all. He reminded me that my mum cannot bear to see me sad or she'll be sad as well. I understood all that but I don't understand why she was taken away from me after being strong for her. I guess, it meant for the better. It made me understand dad a whole lot better. I went back into the room after I calmed myself down. I promised my cousin I wouldn't break down before her. She held my hand weakly and said this to me.
It was a pack of lies but I forced myself to believe that bit of happiness. I lied to her and to myself. I denied the truth, that she'll be better. But that promise was broken. Two or three weeks later, she left me for good. I feel like I've disappointed her in so many way. I must've felt like a burden to her. A burden she doesn't want to carry no more. I went autistic for a few days. I must have been such a bad and naughty child, hahaha!!
One thing I've learnt from this...
You start out together, you end up alone. It makes no difference. In the end, you'll always be alone. I should not fear this loneliness. I should embrace it as part of life.
My eyes are red now, Claise. I think it's time slumber took me. I'll blog again, soon.
Mama, I miss you but I'm really glad you're not sufferring anymore. I hope you have a better afterlife and Allah reward you for taking this orphan in. I don't think I'll be able to see you in Paradise but know this. I'll always pray for you.
Love you mama.
My tears are flowing down non-stop. I wish the rain is here to accompany me on this sad and lonely night. I had to say a couple of words to someone whom I cared for dearly. I'm more than just physically attracted to him. I'm emotionally attached. I have to halt these feelings. For the better. For him and me. I'll love him from afar just plain because.
We are so different.
We can never be on the same scale.
We do not have that level of communication.
The way he treats me. It's too good. I can't have him treating me like that forever. I have to stop it myself. I don't want to hurt him and I can't afford to have myself hurt after we both realized we went too far and we're not meant to be. I wanna just smile and just pray for his happiness. If he's happy, I'll be damn happy. He cannot afford to send me mixed signals. I fear for myself should he persist. I fear I will fall for him all over again and he will feel awkward around me. I'd rather chase him away. I'll build more spikes around me. I'll defend myself. Never to fall for words.
His remorse is incredible. Extremely incredible. I just pretend to be all ignorant. He has to wake up. There're millions of people who are as just remorseful as him. I won't deny that what I felt was a tang of jealousy. I wanna just quietly slip away. By the time he wakes up, I want to be unknown, forgotten, no longer existing.
I wonder sometimes why am I such an evil bitch. (Sorry, Claise!) I don't like it when everytime, I gotta back some people up. I gotta understand their pain. Am I so kind? HELLO! I'm a HUMAN BEING, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Do I look like I must understand all y'all pain?? Damn it. Why don't you understand that I have my fair share of problems as well? Wtf. I should just point-blank shoot myself.
When he mentioned about my mum, it just took that moment to recall what I think was the saddest point of my life.
She was in the hospital, lying down alone. She was surrounded by so many relatives, all chit chatting happily with her. Suddenly, something happened. I couldn't recall what was it. I guess I purposely shut that part of my memory away. She was suddenly on oxygen mask and I was breaking down apart. My cousin brother had to tear me apart from my mum. He said that my mum cannot risk seeing me sad and crying for her. I left the room unwillingly, half-dragged and I broke down. Terribly. Outside, at that point of time, all I know that she's going to leave me soon. Only a glass panel separated me and her. My cousin was telling me to be strong and all. He reminded me that my mum cannot bear to see me sad or she'll be sad as well. I understood all that but I don't understand why she was taken away from me after being strong for her. I guess, it meant for the better. It made me understand dad a whole lot better. I went back into the room after I calmed myself down. I promised my cousin I wouldn't break down before her. She held my hand weakly and said this to me.
I promise I'll get better for you. Only for you, I'll get better. Don't cry, k?
It was a pack of lies but I forced myself to believe that bit of happiness. I lied to her and to myself. I denied the truth, that she'll be better. But that promise was broken. Two or three weeks later, she left me for good. I feel like I've disappointed her in so many way. I must've felt like a burden to her. A burden she doesn't want to carry no more. I went autistic for a few days. I must have been such a bad and naughty child, hahaha!!
One thing I've learnt from this...
You start out together, you end up alone. It makes no difference. In the end, you'll always be alone. I should not fear this loneliness. I should embrace it as part of life.
My eyes are red now, Claise. I think it's time slumber took me. I'll blog again, soon.
Mama, I miss you but I'm really glad you're not sufferring anymore. I hope you have a better afterlife and Allah reward you for taking this orphan in. I don't think I'll be able to see you in Paradise but know this. I'll always pray for you.
Love you mama.
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Optical Illusions.
Thursday, November 03, 2011/ 11/03/2011 02:04:00 am
Gotta love those junkies!
Another one freaking awesome optical illusion.
When viewed at the correct exact angle will you then arrive to this magnificent view. Optical illusions. Mad awesome.
Here is where I see all these fascinating stuffs. I hope my readers can enjoy 'em and YOU, Claisavard, can promote this site. ;D
Labels: My eyes are going bonkers..
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