I realised that after all the thinking and talking and deciding on what to do this year, I noted that I haven't really taken the first step to anywhere. Heck, I'm still pretty much stuck. I can't deny it. It's the new rule for me.

Follow the flow of life and get stuck somewhere until tsunami comes.

I'm so on that mode. I can't see myself getting a fantastic job with a fantastic pay. I can see myself working in the background, in a stinking factory. Or something. I don't know. I'm not related to anyone anyway, why should I care. Why do people keep judging me? Heavens, if it weren't for some accidents along the way, it won't have to be like this. But it's already like this so doing that doesn't make a hell of a difference either. All I can do now is just listen to my choices of songs and lead on life like there is nothing wrong when everything is wrong. There's so much deceptions I'm facing right now. It's addicting, really. Once you deceive someone, you have to deceive another to keep up with the lies. It becomes a big habit, one I can never get rid of. I can pretty much lie my way out. Being discovered is the least scariest thing on my mind because, honestly, I don't really give a fuck.

Like how Monsieur Poirot would have said... (Really, it's Agatha Christie but never you mind...)

The impulse to murder is strong because once you've gotten your victim, you will kill your accomplice next to avoid eyewitness. If someone suspects you, you will strike again like a sadistic murderer, enjoying the thrill of murder.

Well whatever. But clearly, it's explained there. To avoid people finding out what wrong you did, you'll eliminate those suspicious of you, one by one. But nevermind. Probably born to deceive and cheat people. That's my goal. My new new year resolution indeed. Whatever.

So, new year! Creepy decade. I'm gonna turn 20 soon. I don't know what in the seven wonders I'd do. Look, 20 just sends shivers up my spine, k? I feel like as though I've wasted half of my life away, doing absolutely nothing. I can't see myself advancing, I'm honest to core.

He didn't reply my messages so far. Is this a form of avoidance? Never mind. Why am I still dwelling on David? He should be far off from my mind. I should... probably fix myself and get over it.

Two goals, perhaps.

Keep the lies up.
Try and forget that worthless fool.

That's all Claisavard...!

A must watch movie. Catch it on Mysoju.com!

All hail to such movies.

Ok. I don't really know what to update but anyways! Here's just something to readers out there!

Today, I got in an elevator at a hotel. Just as the door was closing, somebody banged into the door and stuck their hand through. I yelled, "What, are you retarded?!" The doors then opened to reveal a mentally handicapped boy with his parents standing behind him. FML

From FuckMyLife.

I chose... You totally deserved it. LOL!.

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

I chose... You totally deserved it.

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

I chose... Again, you're right. You totally deserved it.

Today, I come home to find that my dog has taken a dump on my bed. I quickly put on my house shoes to avoid possibly stepping on any other of his turds. I felt something squish all over my right foot. He also took a dump in my house shoe. FML

WRONG! This time I chose... I agree, your life sucks!

Hahahaha! That website is full of funny everyday incidents. It's pretty funny when you think about it but not really a great feeling when you're in it.

Today, I found out that when an officer screams, "DON'T MOVE OR I'LL TASE YOU". It really means, "If you so much as flinch I'm going to shoot and 50,000 volts will be directed through your nose and groin." FML

Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML

Today, it looked like rain so I held out my hand to catch a raindrop. When I finally caught one, I closed my hand over it and ran to show my friends to prove it was raining. I opened my hand saying, "Look! It's raining!" When I looked down, I saw that I had actually caught a bird shit. FML

#$%%&^&^%RE$@#&*(*&Y#@

Random spammage to stop the FMYLIFE thing. It was getting too addicting. My bible, really. Haha!

Thursday... No, Friday early morning, from 1am to 2am, me and him texted each other. From superficial topics of works, we got a little too deep into heart affairs. I confessed. Again. Remember, Claise, I said I'll tell him not to treat me nicely and what not? I did. I suppose he's mad. I keep seeing 11:11 today. I wish it wasn't him thinking about me. I don't want him to think about me or anything of that sort. Let me quote everything.

Oh. I've been longing to tell you this. It's my fault for liking you and I best be truthful. I hope you can stop treating me so nicaely. Hope you can run far away where I can't find you and where my feelings won't grow so that my heart won't know. I'm gonna start being a schizophrenic, k? Don't treat me so nice le, can? I promise you, I'll find a way to get rid of this silly crush. Good night sir. And goodbye you. ^^!

Perhaps it's me being too frank. Perhaps it's me not being grateful. Perhaps it's me wanting to be alone. Perhaps it's my nature to just break someone easily like a ceramic plate. Perhaps I'm just denying everything, denying the fact I'm really in love with him. I just want to get away from him. He says he's staying in Singapore for a few more years? Oh come on! Get out of here. I swear I'll leave Singapore before he does. I don't want to see him go away. So, conclusion, I'd rather be the one going away, leaving this current reality of mine. Start afresh. Probably I can ask Jen about living conditions in Ohio. I don't know. I really want to run away from him...

I hope tomorrow, everything will be different. I really hope so.

Let's just hope he starts treating me cold.

Labels: prayers in the depths

You know Claise, I'm at the hands of that one particular day where everything goes wrong. The need to scream is great. Everything you do is wrong. Everyone is hating you because of your great-need-to-be-bitchy attitude. Yeah. I'm at that mercy. Pardon.

I need to wail and cry. In fact, I feel the need to just break down. I need to be away from my colleagues, from work, from family, from school. Basically, from everyone. There isn't one person that I want to meet. I just feel like tucking my failtail between my legs and hide. I mean, I don't give a damn to where. I just needed a well-deserved break from this place. Maybe I should just be tarzan. Whatever idea works, really.

Talking to Jennifer right now. Guess what. I'm seriously considering about moving over to her place. I mean, moving to USA. Got it? I dunno. I should just say bye-bye.

Fuck off, Susu.

I can literally read that from everyone's mind. Today. LOL. I know I've been bitchy. But honestly, I don't give. What's their gain and what's my loss? None.

I need to scream, later. I need to cry, now.

I get the feeling that I'll probably start hating people again. Sheesh.

End of post.

Ok. A random picture post with a new blogskin. Epic, hey? :)!

Labels: Everything is new

A twist in an assumption leads to more hypothesis. One more twist, I call that a fucked up reality.

I call my reality fucked up. You know WHY??

Say, take this for example.

10. Look to see if he imitates you. If he mimics you, he probably likes you, such as, if you move to another table, he'll go with you.(I've had a guy who liked me mimic me before, so I know this is one thing)

11. Teasing. If a guy teases you a lot, it might mean he likes you, but if he doesn't tease any other girl, he probably does like you.

I'm assuming that he likes me a little enough to do those 2 things amongst the many other statted things on wikiHow. Ok, here's the messed up idea about assumptions.

Say, if he really imitates me and he imitates others... Then I'll have to go all hypothetical about whether he likes me or not, right? See, if he teases me and teases others and sometimes ignores us, doesn't it ruin the whole conception of a him liking me? It's probably shouting outloud "I DON'T LIKE YOU THAT WAY!!!".

All these misconceptions and what not leads me to thinking. Why can't we just use our heart to feel what they feel? If we truly care for someone, we'll find ourselves an annoyance to that person's life.

Do we bring them happiness? Did we make them cry? Are we disturbing him too much? Isn't his smile the most precious thing right now?

...That kinda thing?

Yet so much of these, I've failed to perform. In fact, I performed the very opposite. I don't care if I make them cry. My smile is more important than his. I disturb him a lot it's because I want his attention and I have too much free time. My happiness is ultimately more important than his, so who cares!

Eventually, all these dark thoughts creep into the mystical space of mind. It's unavoidable. Once you have a person in your grasp, you tend to think more for yourself. Why did you call your partner? It's because you're free and wanted to disturb him for some attention, right? If they cry, you tend to be silent, hardly asking why because you fear they'll be even more upset and might face their wrath. I'm happy because I have what I want. Who cares if he isn't really that happy. Because I know I have him and that's enough.

I know because that's how I feel.

Fuck My Life, sometimes.