I'm moping about again. Listening to songs brings me back to the nostalgic memories of the past. It seems like time didn't just stop there. It sort of started when you start reminiscing and going through that roller coaster emotional feelings you had back then.

Nostalgia is a seductive liar. ~George Wildman Ball
True nostalgia is an ephemeral composition of disjointed memories. ~Florence King

Here I am, on FlyFF, chatting to some of my ingame boyfriend's friends. They're great to hang out with and they ENJOY bullying me. Just like Latiff himself. But it's ok. They're great. I wish to visit them sometime but I'd rather grab the whole gang down and we can hang out. HAHA!

Back on track, I wonder if I should even think about him. It seems all so ridiculous and I can keep going back to those memories and think about how fantastic he is. Fantastic. I'm so great at fantasizing but never a big fan of making fantasies real.

All in all, I'm such a coward.

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. -Amy Bloom

Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other. -Felix Adler

I so agree with it.
'Nuff said.

P.S. I still can't get over him.

I've told him what I had to say.

Liking him is perhaps is worst ever encountered from the starting.
To letting him know about it.
To wishing well.
To saying goodbye and never wanting to keep in touch.

Goodbye is perhaps is most painful way to say I love you.

Perhaps it's because I refused to let him enter in my diary full of memoirs. I don't plan on it either. It's because I don't feel like it. I don't want to ever keep in touch because it will remind me of these moments. I hate feeling weak and vulnerable.

Who likes it?

Perhaps you do, D. Perhaps you do.

Didn't blog for quite a bit now Claisavard. And no. I haven't forgotten you. I've been chatting to Jennifer more as of late. I don't know but perhaps we have something in common, the work load. Yeah. That about sums it up. She could tell me stuffs about work and what not. We may differ slightly but it's still there, I suppose.

So, I got this little journal, very cute, I daresay. Along with a pen. Boring much but it helps me pen down my thoughts. I mean, if I'm lazy to just type... Isn't writing much harder than typing? Eh... well.

Conclusion: I don't know where I'll be in the next few years.

下雨天了 怎么办 我好想你
xia yu tian le zen me ban wo hao xiang ni
我不敢打给你 我找不到原因
wo bu gan da gei ni wo zhao bu dao yuan yin
为什么失眠的声音 变得好熟悉
wei shen me shi mian de sheng yin bian de hao shou xi
沉默的场景 做你的代替 陪我等雨停
chen mo de chang jing zuo ni de dai ti pei wo deng yu ting

期待让人越来越沉溺（疲惫）
qi dai rang ren yue lai yue chen ni (pi bei)
谁和我一样 等不到他的谁
shui he wo yi yang deng bu dao ta de shui
爱上你我总在学会 寂寞的滋味
ai shang ni wo zhong zai xue hui ji mo de zi wei
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪 一个人好累
yi ge ren cheng san yi ge ren cha lei yi ge ren hao lei

怎样的雨 怎样的夜 怎样的我 能让你更想念
zen yang de yu zen yang de ye zen yang de wo neng rang ni geng xiang nian
雨要多大 天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴
yu yao duo da tian yao duo hei cai neng gou you ni de ti tie
其实没有我你分不出哪些差别
qi shi mei you wo ni fen bu chu na xie cha bie
结局那还能多明显
jie ju na hai neng duo ming xian
别说你会难过 别说你想改变
bie shui ni hui nan guo bie shuo ni xiang gai bian
被爱的人不用道歉
bei ai de ren bu yong dao qian


it's raining what should i do, i miss you so
i don't dare to call you, i can't find a reason
why have the sounds of insomnia
become so familiar
the silent scenery is your replacement
waiting for the rain to stop with me

anticipation makes one more and more indulged
is there anyone like me
i'm unable to meet that someone
in love with you i've always been learning
the taste of loneliness
holding an umbrella alone, wiping my tears alone, it's so tiring being alone

what kind of rain, what kind of night
what kind of me will make you miss me more
how heavy need the rain be and how dark the sky
before i can have your concern

actually, without me you can't tell the difference
how much clearer can the ending get
don't say you will be sad
don't say you want to change
the one being loved needn't apologise

Labels: it so describes me..

Honestly, does it really make everything in your reality ok if you think of someone? I don't think that reality makes it that simple. I disagree. In fact, I beg to differ.

Say, a simple situation... your wallet got stolen and you think of him/her, will that solve anything? Perhaps it's a simple act of selfish self-motivation, you're in denial. Will anything truly be solved if you think of your significant other? I won't go there because simple, thinking is just in your mind. Reality speaks for itself and begged to differ as well.

We'll delve deeper. If you're about to be raped, you think of them, will the raping soon stop? Who gives a fuck. You're about to be raped anyway.

Truly, thinking just gives you a simple sense of relief. Or should I say it's hogwash. Nothing in life ever works out that simple. I've learnt that thinking of someone just brings you a smile and nothing more. It's not as though when you think of someone, he or she will be thinking of you as well. Sometimes, we're more selfish than we care to admit. Well, I do. I like my manager and I don't like sharing him with others. I'm simply selfish that way despite the fact him and I have nothing to do with each other, other than the fact that we're strangers.

I think about him and that brings about a smile on my face. I feel like a maniac and I can't help wondering why but why thinking? It's a total waste of time, I'd say! It gives you a sense of euphoria, not one that will last long. I didn't say you can't think of someone but sometimes, there are limits. Reality will never be okay even if you think of someone.

If I fail my exams and I think about my guy (if I had one), nothing will change. My results won't change. Nothing will be okay. Offer your words of pity but still, nothing's changed. That, by itself, remains a fact.

People say happiness is unbound. I say different. I say it's limited. Can you seriously be happy forever? What if a fight broke out? What if you broke up with him/her? What if s/he cheats on you? What if (touchwood) they die? Can you still keep smiling? I can't. I definitely can't. I'd break down and cry but I've got to get over it. It's the same process over and over again. It's happening everyday. It's a normal cycle.

I can never understand why people cry after they broke up with someone. If they did, they're missing out a great person! Truly, you need a total opposite. I'd be bored with another me. We're both joking around (I can totally picture it now...), get nothing done at all, never serious and waking up late and two lazybums. Hell, I can't live that kind of life!

I can imagine someone setting me straight with that serious face, someone about to pour water on my face when I'm gonna be late for work and doing some chores around.

Sidetracking, sorry. Back again. Thinking of someone just complicates my mind that it chokes my thinking. Too full of rubbish, I swear.

What is he doing?
Is he eating?
Sleeping?
What clothes is he wearing?
Wonder what time he'll call.
Wonder what's he got for the next date.
What am I gonna get him this upcoming anniversary?
What am I gonna plan on his birthday.

CHOKED FULL OF SHIT, PERIOD.

BLARGH! All these thinking is making me go haywire, word. I'm better off showering to calm myself down and do some more thinking. Sigh.

I'm gonna die, next month. I egging failed my CMS again. FFS! I didn't expect this shit to happen to me again, WITH GRILL ORDER FOR C***'S SAKE! That fag is going to throw me out, fo sure! Whatever! It's not as if life goes on smooth for everyone. This is just one of my down moments. I'm not perfect, damn it! I'm just a normal human being that MAKES MISTAKES! Passing CMS doesn't ensure the best service, fags. It's what matters on the regular customers. They drop by to see you and chit chat and what not! DAMN IT! I've never liked this mysterious test. I anti. Heh.

Whatever. Past is past. I'll deal with it however I see fit or however Abang sees fit. If I get kicked out, ever, I don't give a damn. Worst come to worst, I'll just tell dad and get a new job. I'd probably be a lifeless doll though.

Bad Guy: Food here tastes horrible though...
Guard: Now now, it's nutricious... and besides... you're IN JAIL! What were you expecting, gourmet cuisine?!

Funny shit from Golden Sun 2: The Lost Age.

LOL! I'm serious! Hella funny.

Him and I chatted. Shared food too. I stole a slice of his... chicken wing. After which, he spitted on it right after "You didn't spit on the chicken, did you?". Good going, Susu. Smart move. Now I had the first taste of China Germ. Tasted like... chicken. Good. Not that I'd have noticed a difference. Ok, I forgot. Rafiq you oxymoron, you owe me SEVENTY CENTS! HORHORHOR!

When it comes to you and I, we're never meant to be. We're just strangers getting along well, one day bound to be split by the most natural method just because... just because we're not the same.

Here I am, alive and thinking, not in the least sleepy. With the computer fan making helluva noise. I should change it, soon.

I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow when I wake up but I want some news when I do wake up, damn it!

What's with men, really? I feel so... STUPID. Yes, that pretty much sums it up.

Ok, so, Claise, you're curious what made me so... #@$@? -mad-

Here goes...

Monday was pretty a busy day, not that it was horrible, but yes, it was. I was serving customers with 2 counters. Sigh. Not that it was any faster but I liked seeing short queues. So, you see, it was pretty much busy. It was close to noon then. So, about 2pm, D dropped by, in home clothes. There goes Auntie Mok, rambling about some David and me shit. I don't really appreciate but I just let it pass, as always. Not that it brings me joy. It just irritates me to no end. How can anyone simply matchmake me with a total stranger?! She said something about "Neh, ni de nan peng you"... "There, your boyfriend...". Ok, that did it. Straightaway, I gave her a straight face and said loudly "Ahah! Auntie, where can. I have a boyfriend liao lha!" No doubts he heard it. It was then that he decided it was best to leave me alone. With a bored look (and no doubts, angered) he walked off to find Sabri, or so I thought. Whatever. When I texted him at night, he didn't reply. Thamarai said it wasn't busy at all. Queer. Probably his prepaid was low. Then again, 4th was his pay. It couldn't have all been spent on whatever, right? I don't know. Today, I texted again. No replies all the same.

Verdict: What's with him? I don't have a clue. If that's how you want to work it out, fine by me. I was sick of your attitude anyway. Go smoke yourself to death for all I care. Go missing your first love for all you want and waste your time. It's done. You're a stupid fag that my heart still care for. My STUPID heart still care for. I fell for your trick. That was your problem. I fell for it, again. This time, it's my problem. The problem now is, with your games, what can I expect? To sit still and not say a word? You want to get yourself that deal so much? You want me to just look on quietly, not voicing out anything? You know what, you've pretty much got it. You didn't reply. Why should I even bother.

Jackasses like you don't deserve anyone to care for you. You make them feel as though they've wasted half their time on you. What was the end result? Nothing. Zlip. Zero. Nada. I've wasted so many sleepless nights thinking about you and giving you up when the answer was always and already there. It was always waiting for me to see it. Perhaps you should put a sign above you.

"Anyone can communicate with me except Susu."

Maybe I should just avoid your eyes altogether also. It's my demise if I ever stare into those dreamy far-away eyes again. It's going to be a problem if I ever joke with you. I like those awkward moments between you and I so I can just run away from you. There won't be anymore such moments, right? Oh, right. It's because we won't communicate, ever.

It displeases me that your attitude towards your staffs are like nothing. Perhaps we're just a bunch of nothings in your eyes. It's upsetting that you never put in any effort. Claim anything you want, jackass, but actions speak louder than words. I don't need speech evidence, bastard. Neither do I want any physical proof that you've done it. Because by then, you should be freaking back at your own country. Stay out of sight and out of mind.

Sigh, why am I even ranting at all...?

****************************************************

"Hubby, are you awake?" I whispered, slowly nudging him.

"Yes, sweet. What is wrong?" he asked as he peeped at me sleepily.

"Nothing, it's just that I want to tell you thanks for always being with me, sleeping next to the babyish me. Thanks for being my sun and my rain. Don't leave me ever, k?"

He nodded slowly and resumed his sleep. He's always like that. Listening to my endless banters and rants. Taking it seriously despite him playing it off cool. He knows how much I care for him and I know, before I even fell for him, that he has me in his mind, always. So, what made me do that? Haven't a notion. All I know is, I must tell him today. Something in the back of my mind just nags at me but what, I don't have a conjecture.

----

"No... no... Hubby... are you in pain?!" I whispered, still shocked.

He opened one eye, sleepily, just like he did early this morning. He shaked his head this time, slowly as blood seeped out of the head wound. As bloody and disgusting as it was, it's my husband. Right now, all I can see is my other half lying down in a bloody pool of his own.

"Never, because I'm going to sleep next to the babyish you. That way, I'll always be with you, sleeping on your lap."

His last words died together with his heart beat, silent to everyone but mine. My scream, an agony verbalise made the stupid me realise that we'll never be together, ever. I clutched at the memories of him and I.

####

"Honey, NO!"

I was pushed by a lethal force. I fell on my chin. I got up weakly and turned around to see if my husband was alright. It was a sight that will drown me in tears until my last breath.

####

Him and I. We're always together. Memories, even if it's the only present I have left from him, I still have the best present from him: him.

****************************************************

Labels: some random rant about D and storytelling session

Tangisan Bulan Madu By Samsiah Mohd. Nor.

Contents: "Aku tidak akan mencemarkan impian bulan madu kita, meskipun kita tidak dapat mengecapnya."
Summary: Menganggur setelah memerah tenaga dan membuang usia untuk mendapatkan segulung ijazah dari universiti adalah pengalaman yang menyakitkan. Amira tidak dapat memenuhi harapan keluarga. Kekasihnya memutuskan cinta untuk mengahwini gadis lain. Percintaannya dengan Bogatt dihalangi oleh Puan Marina yang memilih darjat. Setelah akhirnya Bogatt berjaya juga memimpin tangannya ke jinjang pelamin, mereka tidak sempat berbulan madu. Mengapa?

Izinkan Aku Pergi By Hannaziera Faez.

Summary: Izinkan aku pergi jika itu boleh membahagiakan dirimu. Biar aku lenyap dari pandangan mata dan hati kalian. Aku tidak sanggup lagi menongkah alam. Aku tidak sanggup lagi berkongsi kasih denganmu. Biarlah aku mengalah. Ambillah semula hakmu kerana hadirnya aku sekadar menumpang kasih sementara diberi ruang waktu.

Sorry, obsessed with malay novels again! XD! I SHOULD cut the habit.

So, here am I thinking, again! I looked at the clock to see 11:11. Cut the habit, argh! To that someone who is thinking of me, please stop thinking of me. It's irritating to keep seeing 11:11 on my clock, whether DAY or NIGHT. AH BLEH. In my dreams, k thanks.

So, I'm doing less and less of that think-about-him thing and less and less of the liking-him thing. It's not gonna work out. We can hang out and be great friends and have fantastic chemistry but NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

NOPE.

It'll be hard if I were to just keep clinging on to him when one day, he'll just leave Singapore as if he's going back from a vacation. What's more annoying is I have to see him go. Even MORE annoying to this is that he still loves his first lady, who is now married. He practises the belief "The person I love the most is now safe and secure and being loved. Someone is taking of the one I love, making her smile everyday and that's my happiness."

Coming on strong, Sir, but the world doesn't play that way. One day or another, you'll realise that that happiness is slowly eating up what's left of you. You can't even feel your own happiness. You daren't seek your future. You can only think of her and her smile and that's your only fuel? Come on man. Obviously I'm just jealous of that dedication but HOKAY. I should be through with you. It feels so whatever right now.

So much dedication for a love that's been going on strong for 8 years. I wish I had someone like that but then again, I probably won't be able to appreciate him. Because I can be so blind and deaf and oblivious to everyone that it's frustrates them to no end. But because of that, I seek the idea and solace in romance books and daydreams where most happy endings exists. In real life, Mother Nature gives and takes back everything too quickly. They present the best presents for you and surprise you with the worst nightmare anyone can face. That present and nightmare can be classified in one word: Reality.

How I wish I can be faithful to someone forever, waiting under the tree with the rain drops surrounding me, my wet clothes hugging me, waiting for a him to return back to me and say, "Hey, you'll catch a cold" and offer me the best present: him.

I wish life works that way, all the times.

I got my acts up today. Haha! Managed to finish one part of my board. The next is tomorrow. :D!
So!
Today! I called David "China Germ". No harm really. It's just to annoy him max dot com. HaHa! He was. But he had his ways of silencing me. Abu is just more and more friendly. I guess that's a good sign and yeah. We both agreed that U. Lee's attitude is just getting worse and worse. Sigh. No harm done though. :D!

I got Latiff to contact me back. Just because of game, I guess...

The whinings of my everyday life must sound pretty lame, doesn't it, Claise? Perhaps I must give up writing aimlessly, everyday. It's bringing me nowhere. No one can understand the personal beliefs I hold. No one will probably bother to solve it. Maybe I should avoid being the whiney bratty me for a bit.

I don't understand why I bother with anyone who will leave me one day.

How would it feel like to even DANCE with anyone in the pale moonlight? I wouldn't because hell yeah, I won't fit in a prom dress, much less a NORMAL dress. Yes, I'm pretty much very hella plump!

So, I bumped into Lala. I whacked her on the shoulder and she was like O_O and gonna fuck the bumper upside down and VOILA! She saw my face and her face chilled and started grinning like a mad pig. And chased me down from OP till Levi's. Wham! Haha!

LOOK LOOK!

run little bertie runnn
run with all your might
so you'll be in sight!
when the time is right!

Boredom does that to me. I'm quite delusional, thank you. I was chatting to Bet's when I typed that. Coolness much.

So, I bought much shizo and met up with girl from the 4th planet. We hung out like ok. I went to shop and jotted some shizo down and I thought I was silent enough. Mister David caught me heading out. Like leave me alone, oxymoron! Pssssh, annoyed much.

Look. I don't know if you're reading this at all buddy because sometimes you do, but I don't know. Ok, screw and heck with all these. Let me just kudos and get my point across.

Dude, what's with the MIA? In Flyff and in real life? Come on. I'm busy like you too, ditto! Sigh, it's grating and eating my nerves major bloodline. Can you just, for once, like reappear in my life and get back straight at me? Sigh, all this texting you and trying to find you in FlyFF as of late, it makes me wonder why am I even bothering at all. Perhaps it's just your life. Like it's Mister D's life. I'm supposed to be all obssessed about D but right now, he's so far from my mind. Why did you re-contaminate my mind? It is, afterall, a silly 3d mmorpg. Nothing to boast about. Why did you even disappear at all... Sigh. This is truly disappointing. Maybe I should just disappear from you, at all. Take back all your things. I don't want it anymore.

Latiff, that was dedicated to you.

I'm just lost in the moments of confusion, unable to track my way out, mystified by the amazing fog and the crazy ways of nature. Voila.

Labels: rambles

STEP UP IS A GREAT MOVIE.

Ok, I know I'm overdue but yes. It's a great movie! Love the moves.

Weird. He dialled my number by accident, I think. Because when I picked the phone up, no one was on the line but neither was it hung up or engaged.

Either way, tragedies happen everyday. You're not the worst one out there. The usual phrase, there's always someone worse out there who've had it more than you. Yet they're still trying to live. I'm sure we'll be able to overcome everything.

I remembered that I just had a thousand and one too many headaches today. I ended up just playing L4D offline. I just needed to vent that frustration and anger away. It's frustrating enough really. So uber ghey much. Call me a maniac but killing zombies is a way of healing my anger and the adrenaline rush it gives me. I must be going off my head. Haha!

Too true to my words, I really find myself unable to sleep. No major biggie surprise there. YAY! I managed to buy some clothes from OrangeBear spree. I LOVE the CLOTHES! SO CUTE! Tomorrow will be another day though. Another day of grill promotions. Gay much. Perhaps I should try and catch two or three winks. Or maybe daydream again.

Afterall, in my daydreams, whatever I want exists. For example, say love. Reality never gives too many of those. They demand gold bars though. Rip-off!

I haven't been thinking too many things. Just because I'm afraid to find out that things don't really go my way. Perhaps I need to contemplate on another conjecture of mine. With, again, no physical evidence. Perhaps a dream stays but a dream.

I'll start counting the stars in the sky if I start thinking of you. Just so that I'll lose myself in the stars instead of you.

I smile because I like you.
I cry because I miss you.
I frown because I think of you.
I fall because I love you.

P.S. It's all about thoughts and my own quotations.

All right. I'm EGGING tired now.

2 days FULL SHIFT. This is pissing me off. STAND STAND STAND. I'M SICK OF IT. EGGING coupons. Seriously, they NEED to chill on the egging coupon. So retarded much. So, Marina got her ass pwned. LOL! Why?

She bought Texas Jr and Big Fish Jr(wrong one really) AND have the ice milo spilled over the sandwiches. So, me and Mars had... Milo-coated sandwiches. Tastes all right, just cold. Just cold. I have egging NO idea what to say except to a certain someone out there who will NEVER read this blog, EVER.

LADY, don't go missing, can? It's egging annoying. Pissing me off. I had to cover your shift because I'm the only one available. But fuck that. Today I'm on full shift too! Make that 2 days full shift, you joking, right? I'm so tired and pissed and it doesn't help we're on coupon craze right now. You gotta be kidding me man. I'm tired of standing around and fush that, if we had CMS today, I FAILED. I didn't smile at all, damn it. So damn egging TIRED. How the hell you SMILE when you're sleepy? I didn't talk much and laugh much at all. I was pretty much quiet. Susu is quiet today. Because she's tired. BAH much.

Guess what? Go to hell. KthxbaI~!

Happy Children's Day.

Couldn't sleep. Maybe about time I should write something...

I sit, staring at my reflection.

Oh, how haggard I feel yet my reflection showed another me, a beautiful future me that is never meant to be. I look so pale. Thin. Hopeless. Fragile.

Why did life do this to me? Before this, I was a perfect childe. Everyone envied me. I had everything a girl could have. My only evidence of my past memory is my broken doll that I've kept for 8 years now.

War has shown no mercy towards beloved parents. I saw their skull shattered into pieces just when I turned 4. I was warned never to scream if anything happened. I heeded.

To live, I went to an orphanage, picked up by a truck and sent to live as a slave in this mansion. In this gloomy household, I could only imagine my life right now if my parents were never dead.

Perhaps it's time I accepted reality. Perhaps it's time to stop deluding myself. I'll never be myself again. I can only act upon orders. Never upon my own will.

Never.