Hey there.

FlyFF is really getting boring. I just thought I downloaded and try playing Fiesta. Turned out quite bad. I thought the graphics can be so much better. Oh well! Doesn't matter! Tomorrow! I'm going to download Corum Online and RappelZ.

Lalalala! I'm having some funny weird thoughts up here. I've been sleepy lately. Oh right. Thursday, went to rebond/straighten my hair. Friday, did nothing much. Saturday, I went out for the SparksWind (or was it SparkWinds?) concert. Finished at 10pm. *sigh* So late, yeah? I wore high heels on that day. Serve me right. Totally serve me right. 40% of my toes ended up with bloody blisters. Or was it water retention? I have no idea. Either way, they HURT. Like... well, like pain. Can't say "it hurts like hell". Because, I don't know how painful Hell is. Haha.

My big toes and my 4th toes are the affected toes. 40%. I'm totally RIGHT! Sigh! Bloody stuff. So yeah, what with the laziness and activities, I've ignored FlyFF. Apparently, Blitz, Fairie, Autumn and Leap have been playing Gunbound whilst I'm away. Smart, rofl! Don't care. I'm much better off without them, somehow. Or they're much better off without me. Either way, it's good. O.o! Haha! I know. I'm lame. Yeap yeap. Stupid Countdown is coming. I'm practically yawning away. Doubt I'd be joining the Countdown fun. Lame. I just want to play my Pokemon Mystery Dungeon - Red Rescue Team. *cries* It's a nice and good game. *tears* Hahaha!

Should I reveal my heart contents here? I don't know... Probably I should. I should.

I've been feeling funny. Not those weird funny. Ok, strange funny. Either way, it's spelled W-E-I-R-D. Sigh, I'm a weirdo. I've been thinking lately. What is it that I really lack? Or I'm missing out? Or whatever. When I was watching Witch Yoo Hee, I've been thinking. Seung Mi. I feel so much like her. You know, clingy. Yeah, clingy's the word of the day. Snobby Susu. =(! Yeah, spell me funny. If I'm not funny, I'm a goblin's uncle. Makes me kind of feel bad. Guilty. Towards HIM. I really feel bad but somehow, I pity Seung Mi, indirectly pitying myself. I feel that she is a nice girl but clouded by love. I suppose, I am too. *shrugs* Who TRULY knows anyway...

Sometimes, we all want time to repeat. We wish for time to go back. But it never work. Because, time keeps running. That's a fact. That fact alone will never give most of us the second chance we desperately want. Be it for a lost love or a lost family member or anything! It just zooms by. All we have is memories. And hope. Hope that everything will work out ok. But for the lost, I think it's gone, forever. It won't come back. Or will it? I don't know. Although most of us don't want to let go, it seems time is a teacher and a healer. It teaches us one thing, I am definitely confident on.

Life goes on.

Whatever grudges or memories we have, we slowly forget them despite trying to cherish them as much as we can. It's like a promise, you know? A self-promise. We don't want to let go but somehow, Fate works wonders. The future is weaved into a perfect dimension. Is it just us rushing into wanting to feeling the wonders? Or is it Fate working weird? I don't know. To me, I feel as though I'm rushing. Fate has it worked out. All we need to do is just continue life as always, be pleasant and polite despite any black history. The perfect moment will chance upon us. We'll meet our significant half. Unless of course there's no significant half. Or is it another trick, designed by Destiny?

Despite knowing this, despite knowing this silly fact, I kept holding on. Aren't I clingy? Probably I just don't want to know the fact. Although it has been shot to my head. Like repeatedly. I don't know. I feel confused, more than ever. But I'm still a teenager. Why should I bother with these kind of silly, stupid thoughts? Had it been silly, I won't be thinking about it.

One more factor. Isaac. I miss him, like a lot. I wonder if he is fine. I think I'm over him. Or am I REALLY over him? I think not. I'm so queer! Weird! Funny! Strange! Spell the synonyms! I can have a new boyfriend but I'll always hold a torch for my past flames. What is going on, Susu?! Wake up girly! Smell the roses! I'm really a...

STUPID

girl. GAH! Enough thoughts! I'm getting more and more confused!

Hi!

Claisavard, I'm bloody PISSED! GOD! I'm beginning to hate Denwill, like a lot. Like what is up with the games, huh? Missing-in-action? Denwill, shall I make this game permanent? On the anger-topic, Kenneth! Where the FUCK is my ONE HUNDRED BUCKS? Can you guys stop being noobs?!?!

OMG, on the topic, my aunt went flying all over Jurong Point. She told me specifically to WAIT at her drop-off point. I told her specifically to wait. I literally waited, for god knows how long, until I found out, she went off prancing around in the mall, looking for me! HELLO! PEOPLE? Someone, STAB me in the heart, PLEASE! I said to WAIT, not to prance around FIRST. I may be late but I requested that you wait. HECK! You even asked me to wait. WTF? NOOB!

Again, on the topic. The fuckin' clerk don't know her stuff. HEY HELLO! What the ...? Good grief. If she wants me to fill the form up, tell me straight! Don't give me the "uhh" look! OMG! You look bloody confused! OMFG.

Today just totally sucked. Don't give a damn. Things better work out before the year end or I'll NEVER forgive them.

Okok, stupid skin. I know. I tried making by own! Presto! It worked, didn't it? Losers! =(!

Savien's 65 now.
Saviet's 55 now.

Yes, FlyFF again. Okok, see you guys! It's late here! =(! Night!

Yo.

I'm having that exceptionally bizarre day.

Stun me.

I'm pissed off at FlyFF. Or Aeonsoft. Or GPotato. Or whatever. The point is, everytime after it's weekly maintenance, there will always be more problems. It'll never die down. Why can't it be perfect like Dark Ages? Not that I love Dark Ages but there's no problem with DA. If I get d/ced, I can reconnect instantly. What's up with FlyFF? Error box? Resource was falsified? Your system doesn't blah blah with FlyFF? What's the main idea? Gosh! I keep reading forums, doing exactly what they say but no! Nothing! Last time, I managed to avoid the problem by redownloading a NEW client. It works, not bad. Sometimes, I do get that resource was falsified box. Or error box. I managed to get it fixed. But what's up with it today? Huh? Yesterday, I redownload so many times.

Look, I'm getting seriously sick and fed-up with it. It causes me so much grief, okay! Gosh! x.X;; Stupid maintenance! Stupid problems! Stupid everything! Fcuk this. So irritating. I feel like kissing it goodbye but I am seriously addicted to FlyFF. Yeah, seriously. Call me no-lifer. Whatever.

I logged in to Dark Ages to see everyone... in Merry Land. Hey hi Ke-ri-se-ma-su. *rolls eyes* Stun me. Go figure. Dark Ages is boring and it gets more boring, than ever. Lucky these gaming companies are smart to make 3 and more games. Because if 1 failed, they still have others to support them. LOL. I know, humor me.

This phail. Sucky day.

Hihi! Claisavard! =)!

Not much to update, really. I'll just update about FlyFF. Yes, FlyFF.

Savien is now 61. Yes, RingMaster. Woohoo! He's faster than Saviet, for sure. Anyway. I will update later, probably. See ya!

Hi!

....

Nothing to report except a VERY VERY old problem that bugs me.

You there, my good sir. You PIN-pointed me, saying I left you. You called me a liar. You're going overboard, Aid. Much too overboard. I'll gladly input your name this time, because simply, I WANT people to know WHY I kept getting blamed, BY YOU. FirstAid, you're a dear friend but yet you're someone I hate. Why?

Let me recall the situation. I have perfect memory, unlike yours. Perhaps that is WHY you blame me? For your short-term memory? You're twisted, you know that? As I recall, YOU were the ONE who told ME that you "won't be playing DA anymore because of university. University will be busy so, yeah." "I'll let MarcNemesis take care of my account and TELL him to contact me a.s.a.p."

Won't.

Would not.

Will not.

They're a family.

A will. A promise. Does that BANG your head? When you left, I was sitting around, wandering in Abel Beach, hoping you'll turn up. You left DA. You left me dry. Don't tell me I didn't put in effort to keep in touch with you. I e-mailed you. You were too busy. Can't blame that. My fault, isn't it?

Yeap. Everything is Susu's fault. Susu is the BFL! The Big Fat LIAR! I'm sorry if I ACTUALLY lied. Because hey, nobody is perfect. I'm a SOMEBODY, not a NOBODY. I'm not perfect afterall. Don't tell me you've never LIED before.

I'm sorry if I seem to be pushing it a little too much. I used to love you, Aid, but now, I don't. Accuse me of having feelings for you, whatever. And bear in mind, this VERY infamous quote.

When you point your finger at someone, bear in mind that 4 other fingers are pointing back to you.

Feel free to hate me. I treated you as a friend. You kept blaming me. It's just like you left me and appear suddenly. Hell, ANYONE would be shocked. Heck, if I were to leave you and you got someone new and I come back, I'd understand. Everyone has to move on.

Time and tide waits for no man.

But, NO! You pin the blame on me, you moved and STILL pinned the blame on me. Unacceptable buddy. For once, trying fitting YOURSELF into MY shoe. You blamed me for your own STUPID reason. You broke your own vow, NOT to return to Dark Ages. When I asked someone how was he, he came back replying, "Busy! :P PLAYING DA!". Who is contradicting who? Who is LYING to who?

Before you criticise other's reflection, look at your own first.

Hi!

....

Savien is 54 now.

Saviet is 50, still.

....

That'll be all.

HELLO! Do you guys think my entry would be THAT simple? Why did I name this entry "a twisted sunflower"? Because, it is. I dreamt about Mr. Nazri AGAIN! Him lecturing ME about HIS Geography. This is going nowhere. I HAVE to stop getting dreams! OMG! X_X! I'm just simply freaking myself out. Why can't I like dream about gameboys? Or about adventuring to Amazon River and seeing ANACONDAS! WHY MUST IT BE MR. NAZRI! OMG! This is too much pressure! Is he, like, gonna enter my life, AGAIN? I pray and hope not! Him and I have crossed path ONCE. I'm NOT gonna make that TWO TIMES! TWO TIMES is a LITTLE TOO MANY! GRRR! GAH! That stupid Brian! HE HAD BETTER NOT read THIS entry or he'll just pick the phone up or even e-mail or even MSN that TEACHER! TOINK!

So, the conversation goes...

Brian: Hello Mr. Nazri!! Wanna hear something funny?
Teacher: What is it? O.o
Brian: Someone had a whacky dream about you.
Teacher: Who?
Brian: It's one of your ex-students! Want to read HER blog?

Oh GOD! If THAT happens, someone, PLEASE, SHOOT me in the head. GOD! Knowing Brian, he might wait for me to cool down about this thing before he reports OR he reports it straightaway! This is NIGHTMARISH!! Blah! Enough crapping about. Enough of this stupid... TOPIC! ARGH!

Well, other than that, I am VERY happy to report... nothing happened. o.O! Yes, some rain here and there and I forgot to take dad's laundry in. Blame it on ME already, I know. =(!

Honestly, I'm freaked out. -.-! I do NOT know why. Explain one of my bizarre days. It's here, again. *sigh*!

Oh yeah! I had another dream about Mr. Nazri before. Remember? I think I did report. I can scarcely remember. But I know I dreamt about that TEACHER again. What did I DO to suffer this miserable fate? No, scratch miserable. It's a tragedy. GAH!

*shoots herself in the head* Janne!

Hihi Claisy!

Do you know about some days when you feel like a total loser and some days, you feel like you can conquer everything? Excluding Mt. Everest, that is. Yeah, I'm having one of those bizarre days! =(! Okay, first, let me report about FlyForFun.

FlyFF:

Savien is ALMOST 52 now! Omigosh! He's even higher than Saviet! Curse you! =(! But yeah, one thing is for sure, I CANNOT escape my fate. I've been priesting in Dark Ages. I guess the DNAs or the blood or FATE will remain the same. I enjoy being an assist. Not because of experience or whatever. Okay, that's partially WHY I became an assist, experience. But I like healing. Or buffing. Or just relaxing and time everything. ROFL! Did I just MAKE sense there? *shrugs*! Who knows! And yes, I cross-dress on my assist. I'm a girl who plays a boy character! Haha! Normal! For me, it is so. XD!

Saviet is still... 50. Dot! She gets like 0.13% per leyena! Okay, not literally the best option there but whatever! HELLO, I HAVE LIKE 100% TO GO HERE?! SOMEONE SAVE FLYFF! ROFL! I could like hunt on Steamwalkers or Steel Knight or Nuttywheel. But screw it! I need tomas! DROP IT, YOU FREAKING LEYENAS! Or DO I HAVE TO KEEP GIANTING? =(!

DarkFairie and I have been gianting. Ill0nus is still... Ill0. LOL! Autumn hasn't been logging in, as of late. I wonder why... Fatal/Leap is Ill0's and Autumn's cousin. I've been getting to know him better. =)! Ok, Ill0 and Autumn and siblings. Probably Autumn got bored of FlyFF. Got a feeling she likes MaQi. LOL! If you get the drift... XD!

Oh ya! I have a SERIOUS grudge against those CRANE MACHINERIES NOW! What the *censored*?! I kept dying! It's like so fetch! Ok, that's a slang but on to topic. DarkFairie and Savien kept dying... Ok, just Savien. Kept dying. DarkFairie dies when I lag or whenever there are 2 agros attacking her and I'm not healing. Partially due to lag. Yesterday's lag was just darned bad. Was pissed off, literally. I almost gave up on FlyFF. Almost.

FlyFF V9 just sucked. People can loot your things EASILY now. Okay, not to mention I've been looting monies and... well... 7th refreshers, for myself and Fairie. Hey, I earn! Like a lot. Probably 3k per hour? ROFL! That's just plain sad. 7th refreshers. I have 3 slots full of it. Decided to give one slot (maximum of 99 refreshers) to Saviet, who likes to sell things in her private shop nowadays. It's something like mor ioc deum, just for mana points. XD!

Dark Ages:

I just dropped by to say hi to Kropu and Snowie. Iyasu, I'm not sure whether I can consider him Shiran or not anymore. Okay, so now, at this VERY moment, I'm logged in to Dark Ages. Just chatting to my MOST beloved friend, Trilink. Or Joshua. Or I'll just stick to his Dark Ages name. Trilink. He's a fun guy, likes to explore the world, if you get the drift.

And Dad.

DAD... is sleepy. Nodding off to dreamland, I bet. Dad forgotten me until I revived his mind. Okay, so everyone misses dear lil Saviet. Dark Ages Saviet, that is. Ok, never you mind! Everyone misses me and wants me to stay. *looks at Dark Ages weirdly* This is soo not working. X.x!

RIGHT! NEXT ON!

STUPID GIOVANNI!!! CURSE YOU!!! What the heck... after all that rant, finally I've reached you??? OK, I'm cursed to have many thoughts to myself. X.x! I'm condemned! =(! RIGHT! ROFL! Anyway! Gio... the one irreplacable friend I got! Actually, he's replacable, by me. Just that I can LITERALLY speak to him and hear his stupid thoughts and silly answers. Like literally. Did I say that too much? Screw it! Wow Whee! I promised to my handphone that I'll update my blog like ALMOST everyday. This is SO not everyday but anyway...

Okay! Never you mind! Don't be jealous peoples! I lent my shinguards to Gio-man. ROFL!! G-man! Don't sell it! Don't steal it! Don't give away! Don't LOSE IT!! I'll MURDER you if you DO!

The one shinguards that I bought from my buddy with literal dollars got hacked. Replaced by the dude who, confirmed by KRU, literally hacked me. He bought it in gold or cash, I do not know. I don't KNOW if he EVEN took my Veltain Queen Rings but what the fcuk!? I'm HACKED! And I'm SICK of it! And him! Ok, this topic just makes me so mad AGAIN! I'm pissed! Way beyond the boundaries of hell and heaven. Ok, the space. I'm angry again, at this old topic. No wonder I ditched Dark Ages. Had I PASSED my shinguards to that goon, I'd be history, meaning I'd be LOSING everything. So, thank you VERY much. For making me hate you and making me lose all hope while you GAIN hope. Fcukin' noob.

Literally, I'm SIDE-TRACKING! But never mind! I've ranted enough. Laters, Claisavard!

LOL! Hihi Claisy! Been a while since I last blogged. I'll just blog here and there, a little bit, all right?

Savien's 46 now! He's gonna be 47 soon! =X! Saviet's still... ... 50! Hahahaha! Lame! I know. I love my guild!! Illusion ROCKS! =)! Thanks Autumn, for the pretty invitation, lol! I'm one of the kingpins too! LOL! Thanks!!! =D!

Heart you Autumn! Fairie too! Blitz and Maqi and Charmmin! More... hmm!! FATAL! How could I forget him! LOL! All right! Heart you Illusion! March forward! Pray there may be Illusion3? LOL! Hahaha! =p! Too much to handle, ugh!

The girl says:

What are you doing? Are you meeting someone else, I try calling you but it doesnt work. Before, it wasn't like this. If you're going to avoid me, get out of my face!

Boy raps:

You're never-ending rambles/ complaints. What did I do in the first place? What are you thinking about? What about me do you hate so much? Listen to me, look at me! Ask me questions with sincerity. Even if you'd understand me, it seems as though I have nothing left

Boy:

How many times do I have to say it before you understand? Why does it always have to be like this? Your never-ending complaints are edging me closer to the end of my patience. The persistent attachment you show me now is the reason for my past relationship's end. I've told you so many times in ways that you can understand, but why are you becoming the same as my past girlfriend.

So, for a while, I stayed with you 24/7, you've promised me that you'd never complain so much ever again. No talk was ever needed, and even one look was enough. Do you remember how happy we were? We were as happy as anyone could be.

Shut him shut him up~

Girl:

Before it was like that, and I was really happy, but slowly, you began to change. The piles of secrets that you stacked up with out my knowledge, I can't stand them!

Boy raps:

I have no secrets, 'cause I'm afraid that you would have a grudge against me. The times with you were wonderful, and I can't forget them. In love, in happiness, in time, in friendship, I love even your tears. My greed, that wants to give you more of my heart, edges closer and closer.

Boy:

However many times I'm asked, I'll always love you. My soul will always be with you (OR I'll always be thinking of you). You fill the places in which I lack in. Do you have any idea how important you are to me? You are the light that has dissipated the fog that clouded my path. When the world deceived and disappointed me, you were always there for me. However tired I was, I didn't give up because of a hope. The one person I need to be here beside me is you.

No talk was ever needed, and even one look was enough. Do you remember how happy we were? We were as happy as anyone could be.

Girl: If you're going to live however you want with no regard, live alone. If you wont understand me, go find another girl. Live however you want, but I'll wait for you, always wait for you. Until you understand me.

HAHAHAHA! YAH! I changed song! I'm sorry I couldn't find the lyrics but this is the translation! Credits to IyaKandieRed from youtube.com! =D! Enjoy this silly but meaningful song.

Today, the whole day, FUCKING LAG! WHAT THE HELL! I'm experiencing the same thing, AGAIN! RIGHT NOW! EVEN NOW! SHIZ!

Savien is 29 now. What ever.

Gotta go. See ya Claisy!

Hey Claisavard! You know, about yesterday's topic? Yeah, right before I went to sleep, I actually cleared my mind and I related this silly incident with so many more other incidents. Perhaps I'll just clear my mind a little further. Typing/saying things out seems to clear my mind so much more. *mumbles "and bringing me back to the path of sanity"*

Situation 1:

Your husband comes home at night, at the perfect time for dinner. You call out to him, asking him whether he wants to eat and he declines because he has work to complete. You smiled and nodded in understanding, hoping that it'll just be for the day. Tomorrow, the same incident happens. You nodded, to yourself, in understanding. For a few days, it has been the same. You dare not disturb him out of respect and privacy. Then one day, he came home and started being all lovey-dovey with you. You were in an awkward situation because, for a very long time, he's been busy with his work. You did your utmost best and enjoyed the time spent with him. After that day, it was him and his work. You started thinking, "Is it just me or do I feel like as if his work is more important and he can live independently?"

You start asking yourself, never sure of your answer. But still, he had no idea that you were left out. One day, you got mad over that silly little question for it has been far too long. It was always him and his little work in his little study room.

My answer: The wife had been very understanding and tried to ignore that nagging little feeling at the corner of the heart. But sooner or later, it'll just burst into full bloom.

Me = wife
You = husband
Work = Your privacy.

I have respected your privacy and freedom for far too long. In fact, if you said a wall was suddenly built before you, think about MY wall that YOU built over a VERY long time. I bet you were too ignorant or too proud to consider MY part. Yes, you can pause your work. First time, it can be coincidental but, like you said, the second time will never be returned and will never be coincidental and the silly little situation was just like that.

Situation 2:

You were sitting around in a small little cafe, waiting for your date to appear. Suddenly, she pops out behind you and you both went out. Everytime, there was a mini interruption. Your phone cell started ringing or your friend suddenly said hi to you and you went over to them to exchange a minor greeting. It kept happening. Your date wonders whether the time is spent with her or with your incessant ringtone. Yet the date went roughly fine. For over the next few days, it has been always like that. Your date totally wonders if she was SUPPOSED to be around or not. Your date starts to think that going our with her friend/s is much more better than this.

My answer: Sooner or later, your date will decline you and say that she has plans for the evening or for the day. It may be coincidental but a little is a little bit too much.

Me = Your date
You = Protagonist
Phonecalls + friends = your privacy.

In the end, I'll find your privacy a little much too irritating. There's time for your privacy, hence called privacy. There's time to eat, there's time to work, there's time to play and there's time to spend with your family/friends/date. I totally wonder if this was knocked into your head. Yes, maybe if such a situation occurred, you would say "Sorry man, I'm in a middle of my date," to some unimportant calls. If the call was important, such as your relative passed away, that would have been understandable. I don't understand why you can't differentiate, still. It MAY have occurred that way but that'd be side-tracking, wouldn't it? It wouldn't be connected to the silly little situation.

Situation 3:

You are watching a movie, one you've been looking forward to, even booked a sit for yourself on the first day. You went in and settled comfortably on your sit. The movie began. In the midst of the movie, someone called your mobile. Although it was set to silent mode, the phone vibrated and the light of the phone was flashing. The people seated next to you glowered at you. For a few times, it kept repeating. The movie had no way of pausing.

My answer: You'd be irritated at the silly phone calls. You had no peace during the whole movie. You missed out some climaxes and some critical points of the movie, and possibly, the ending. You're frustrated.

Me = Your phonecalls
You = Protagonist
Movie = Your privacy

That was pretty rude, don't you think? I am the pest. The phone call pest. Irritating, no? Too rude, in fact, until people had to glare at you. Think of it this way. The movie had no pauses while your show had pauses but your game? Yes, it may be a little too unrelated but what if you were in that situation? I don't know what your answer will be because, I, for one, do not know you. Yes, I do not know you well. Not even a "very". These situations, I related them very closely to the "silly-little-situation". Let's call it SLS.

My excuse for the SLS is time. Your excuse? Your privacy. Which reason is more silly than the other? Time or privacy? Both are closely related but privacy will always be given to you, will always be chanced to you. Time? They just flow too ever freely, never wanting to stop. Is my excuse pathetic? Or is yours pathetic? I beseech you to think twice. Yes, this SLS may be a long ago situation. Why I want to say this now is so that you can caution yourself. One more thing, you can't buy time. It'll just run over you.

Yes, there are different girls. Some likes to be free, some likes to be dragged around. Some likes it simple, some likes it difficult. Some are very understanding, some are NOT very understanding. Some are patient, some are not. Which one am I? You judge that for yourself, for who I am. I don't judge myself because that would be denying my real self. If you say I change, then kindly point out my bad and good side. But if you even know me at all or as stated in the previous entry, I don't give a second opinion on my character. I have my own, you have yours, everyone has their own. No one is perfect. But we try to improve to the best of our ability. Some takes a short time, some takes a very long time. Why do you think some marriages last long and some don't?

Do not god-damned think highly of yourself. I'll say this. Your friends do not think of your bad side because they do not want to lose your friendship. Those are good friends. Best friends or your enemies would tell you who you really are or even tell you why they hate you.

"You're a snob. Try changing yourself. I'll help you out."

Probably your enemy will exclude I'll-help-you-out part. That's my word. Snob. Hardly anyone use that word now but I'll revive it. That word is too useful to be trashed away. It may be useless now, this post. I sincerely hope you'd be MORE sensitive than how this astrology book says. Lemme quote from it, about sensitivity.

Leo: A proud, majestic lion.

Proud and yet surprisingly sensitive, you can be easily hurt.

Sensitive to yourself? Let me have a good time laughing at that. We are all sensitive to ourselves. Some take it easy, some take it hard. Ever tried being sensitive to others? Learn that. I'm being rude and cold here so that you can also see your own errors. I'm here, sitting down, recalling my own silly little errors. I admit, I've always been a snob. I love pointing out my bad points because that is who I am. I have lots of bad points. I won't deny it.

I came close to murdering someone before, with a knife. I was too angry. Probably the forces of evil heard my anger and gave me the bad vibes, giving me murderous thoughts. I had to calm myself down. Phew, it took days though. I was pretty young, about 6-7 year old. Don't recall. Dad pretty much pissed me off and I was too angry for my own sake. Went to the kitchen at night and took out a knife. Decided to just stop there because, hey, he IS my dad, afterall. He raised me up. Probably just the thought of holding my knife was good enough. Laugh-out-loud! Be careful, my readers. Piss me off to such a point, I'd be a murdering whore. X_X!

Enough talk. This is one long rant, Claisy. Hahaha! Everytime, it's always like this. If something happens, I'll be mad and my madness actually bring me to the point of sanity. If I'm not mad, just see how insane I am. I can joke around and be a pest. a playful one, do not fret. If I'm angry or pissed off, I will analyze the situation and think very clearly. As such, Claisavard always become my victim. Haha, gomenasai!

Phew. Probably at night, I'll report about FlyFF. Hehe! Ja!

12:12am.

Ominous ring to it, no?

Hehe.

It gave me sometime to think...

Have I REALLY change? I don't know what everyone say, but perhaps I'll be true to myself. I've changed. Don't start "you-know-what-you're-right" talk with me. The world changes. Can't a human change? Haha, if I change, so what? Big deal. Why not look at yourself first? You've changed also. I mean it. Everyone change. If I change, I'm part of the world. I don't care if I change for the better or the worst. The truth is, I've changed. Beat it. I'll say this once. If you people out there think I'm the same ol' Susu, I'm sorry to say. I'm not. I've changed for the worst. Beat it. Scram. I don't give a second opinion as to what you think of me. If someone who loves me can get it, I'm GOING to assume that EVERYONE can understand and love me the way I am. You don't see a past me. I'm telling you, readers, if your love for someone change because of silly reasons the other party did, then sad to say, you still have to reflect upon yourself. I have to reflect upon myself. I admit it. I will reflect. I won't fall for some "one-sided" crap.

If you wanna talk to me about friendship or love, I'd say, we start with nothing and end with nothing. Wanna talk things out? That'll be my advise. Nothing is permanent, sadly, not even love. First, you marry and got a husband. In the end, either you'll die first or your spouse die. In the end, you're left with nothing. If you were bornt with a family, when you die, you're alone. No one to accompany you in your afterlife. So sad. But who gives a damn. What I do, what I like, what I want to believe, whom I love, you have no right to change it. One-sided? So? It hurts to do it, is that so? Shows are shows and dramas are dramas and anime is anime. Lessons are there, yes. But I think it doesn't hurt to experience it, my good reader. I think you'll know I'm referring to you.

Let's put in some bloody quotes.

The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you.

How could an Angel break my heart? Why didn’'t he catch my falling star? I wish I didn’'t wish so hard. Maybe I wished our love apart.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.

You know what? You're right. Letting go is good. Too good for the likes of me. Which is why I don't let go. Then again, you'll say, letting go is good. I'll admit. It's WAAAY too good. I agree so much that it takes so much time. So give it some time. I'm full of hatred hence my dreams.

Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.
Washington Irving

Sir Washington is so right. Give us the time. Let it purify. You think I'm evil because I asked for it? I'm sorry, my love hasn't come back to me 100%. Some of them are still lost out there. It'll be a VERY long while before it ACTUALLY returns.

The hottest love has the coldest end.
Socrates

Socrates have it right. Our love was hot and it has such a tragic end that not even you feel like wanting to believe it. But then again, the ends are always a surprise. It doesn't carry a "Boo!-End-is-Coming!" sign, you know. But sometimes, we know it because we initiate it. We just let the other party feel the blow of it.

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
Margaret Mitchell

Margaret is too right. Purification is good but sometimes, leaving it as it is is good. Believe it or not, I saw the pieces of the broken heart on my desk, literally. I left it as it is. I'm lazy to fix it, knowing that many others would trample it. Sometimes, those broken pieces can hurt other people even worse. One way of thinking, that is.

To fear love is to fear life,
and those who fear life are already three parts dead.

~Bertrand Russell, Earl Russell

The Russell siblings have it right! I fear to love, and for that, I'm already 3 parts dead. Aren't you delighted, my good man? Don't tell me "please-do-not-be-like-this" because if you know me at all, I won't listen to it. But then again, you don't know me, reason why you asked me to move on. Then again, perhaps you don't know the meaning of insecurity. Try looking up the dictionary. Or better still, shall I find the meaning for you? Who the hell disturbs another person while they're playing games/watching shows? Try using common sense. Sometimes, manners are a good reason for the end of love. We do not know how to appreciate it. Or rather, I do not know how to appreciate it. As if all this talk softens your heart. I'm telling you this because you won't be surrounded by just your world. Please consider. You told me you're not trying to be cold, but you're already being cold. Contradiction? Try avoiding it.

You have to consider other people's feeling as well. Perhaps you should try putting yourself into someone else's shoes and totally, I repeat, TOTALLY INDULGE yourself into their life, thinking and feelings. Not enough, try talking to other people, not just your friends unless your friends are VERY straightforward. Try asking your parents, perhaps they've learned more than what you think you learn from shows and dramas and anime. One-sided love DOES grow someone. It gives them the purpose to polish themselves and outshine others. Please do not think that one-sided love is painful or "just a total waste of time". I advise you, please open your thinking. The world is a wide open place, where everything is vulnerable one way or another. Don't be satisfied with what you have/think. My final advice, be more sensitive. I'll be straightforward with you.

Had you been with me more, you'd have realized we'll be inseparable. Don't be content with your choice of words/thinking.

Okay, Claisavard. I've blabbed enough. I'm sick and tired of this stupid talk and topic. Let me, the great vulnerable Susu, get it over with it and out. It'll take a long time Claisavard and don't you dare forget, Claisavard, I'm afraid to fall in love again. So, the time taken will be VERY VERY LONG. Anyway, I'm beat.

12:52am.

My timing perfect, good night.

Bored bored. I dunno what to update. Dunno what to say except I missed my aunts and cousins and my grandaunts. Yah! So, wedding lunch was fun. Hee!

Take cares!

Hey Claise! Just now, that entry, it was scary, wasn't it? EWW! >.
Savien is now level 18 and is an ASSIST! WOOHOO!! Fun fun! =D! Anyway... Was thinking about HOW to allocate his stats. UGH! Troublesome. By the way, Claisavard, I'd DEFINITELY return the 45 mercenary suit once I'm level 60. We don't want to owe anyone anything now, do we? *winks* Hehe! I think I'm gonna focus on Savien more now. Hehehe! Can't wait! Go me!

I'll be fine, Claisavard. Oh oh! Pokemon update! Milotic is 48 now! Hehe! One more around with THE Elite Four and I'll have my perfect Milotic. It's sooo hard to find and breed and evolve it. There are certain... techniques. Hahaha! Have fun figuring. xD! Hmm... Other than that...

OH OH! Me and dad had BBQ chicken. Turned out SALTY! UGH!!! X_X!! But oh well, there's a FIRST time for everything, hehehe! =)! New oven, what cha expect. Oooh ya! Tomorrow I'm going for a wedding lunch. Gonna be lots of fun, seeing my grand-auntie again! Oh, how much I dearly miss her and her sister, which is my grandma, which comes to remind me of my mum. Oh, how I DEARLY miss them. I'll pay 100 bucks to snuggle with them for one night. Hahah! LOL! Hehehe!

Hope I get to see Inani and Kak Ayu there! <3

With lots of Love Claisy,

Nur Suhailah Bte Osnan a.k.a. Nadiah

Grand total, my name means a fragile Saturn star that shines. I love it. Forever, for it is mine alone.

I can see my fingernails burning with agitation, anxious to try out its new features. I walk down the path in the park. Tonight is such a lovely night, screaming out with joy at the power of darkness. I see a lady with such beautiful and delicate features. I walk to her, giving her my most sweetest smile that I can muster. Leading her into a darker path, my face morph into the unthinkable as she starts to scream. I take pleasure at her fear, her fear feeding to my powers. Hugging her close despite her weak attempts in escaping, I felt her spine and paralyze her, snapping her spine. She freeze as her spine breaks, showing very little signs of life. Slowly, I savvy the fun in scratching her chest, clawing her deeply, seeing the blood and final threads of life gushing out onto me. With a quick movement, her head rolling on the floor, her eyes wide open, separated from the body.

Wow whee. I keep having that dream for the past few days. Wonder what's going eh... Dad just ASKED me to COOK AGAIN! GRR!! So sick of cooking, y'know. =(! Hahaha! Gonna update more later but for now, on FlyFF, Saviet's level 50!!! Damn quest got me by so quick. Hahahahaha!!! Thanks, Mayor of Saint Morning! =)!