introduction
kismetpsalm@bs
It's your time to shine.
TiTle: Gray Supremacy
disclaimer
please read before proceeding
I don't know what to say. Muted.
-cough-
Saturday, November 26, 2011/ 11/26/2011 12:50:00 AM
Laptop's getting hot. No using for tonight. :(! I wanna use my desktop, ARGH. Should I grab contact lens? But.. so troublesome. @_@!
Raina and Jung Ah from After School are soo pretty!~
Raina and Jung Ah from After School are soo pretty!~
comment! comment! comment! 0 bothered.
crushed
Monday, November 14, 2011/ 11/14/2011 01:28:00 AM
Claise, I'm crushed, so crushed.
My tears are flowing down non-stop. I wish the rain is here to accompany me on this sad and lonely night. I had to say a couple of words to someone whom I cared for dearly. I'm more than just physically attracted to him. I'm emotionally attached. I have to halt these feelings. For the better. For him and me. I'll love him from afar just plain because.
We are so different.
We can never be on the same scale.
We do not have that level of communication.
The way he treats me. It's too good. I can't have him treating me like that forever. I have to stop it myself. I don't want to hurt him and I can't afford to have myself hurt after we both realized we went too far and we're not meant to be. I wanna just smile and just pray for his happiness. If he's happy, I'll be damn happy. He cannot afford to send me mixed signals. I fear for myself should he persist. I fear I will fall for him all over again and he will feel awkward around me. I'd rather chase him away. I'll build more spikes around me. I'll defend myself. Never to fall for words.
His remorse is incredible. Extremely incredible. I just pretend to be all ignorant. He has to wake up. There're millions of people who are as just remorseful as him. I won't deny that what I felt was a tang of jealousy. I wanna just quietly slip away. By the time he wakes up, I want to be unknown, forgotten, no longer existing.
I wonder sometimes why am I such an evil bitch. (Sorry, Claise!) I don't like it when everytime, I gotta back some people up. I gotta understand their pain. Am I so kind? HELLO! I'm a HUMAN BEING, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Do I look like I must understand all y'all pain?? Damn it. Why don't you understand that I have my fair share of problems as well? Wtf. I should just point-blank shoot myself.
When he mentioned about my mum, it just took that moment to recall what I think was the saddest point of my life.
She was in the hospital, lying down alone. She was surrounded by so many relatives, all chit chatting happily with her. Suddenly, something happened. I couldn't recall what was it. I guess I purposely shut that part of my memory away. She was suddenly on oxygen mask and I was breaking down apart. My cousin brother had to tear me apart from my mum. He said that my mum cannot risk seeing me sad and crying for her. I left the room unwillingly, half-dragged and I broke down. Terribly. Outside, at that point of time, all I know that she's going to leave me soon. Only a glass panel separated me and her. My cousin was telling me to be strong and all. He reminded me that my mum cannot bear to see me sad or she'll be sad as well. I understood all that but I don't understand why she was taken away from me after being strong for her. I guess, it meant for the better. It made me understand dad a whole lot better. I went back into the room after I calmed myself down. I promised my cousin I wouldn't break down before her. She held my hand weakly and said this to me.
It was a pack of lies but I forced myself to believe that bit of happiness. I lied to her and to myself. I denied the truth, that she'll be better. But that promise was broken. Two or three weeks later, she left me for good. I feel like I've disappointed her in so many way. I must've felt like a burden to her. A burden she doesn't want to carry no more. I went autistic for a few days. I must have been such a bad and naughty child, hahaha!!
One thing I've learnt from this...
You start out together, you end up alone. It makes no difference. In the end, you'll always be alone. I should not fear this loneliness. I should embrace it as part of life.
My eyes are red now, Claise. I think it's time slumber took me. I'll blog again, soon.
Mama, I miss you but I'm really glad you're not sufferring anymore. I hope you have a better afterlife and Allah reward you for taking this orphan in. I don't think I'll be able to see you in Paradise but know this. I'll always pray for you.
Love you mama.
My tears are flowing down non-stop. I wish the rain is here to accompany me on this sad and lonely night. I had to say a couple of words to someone whom I cared for dearly. I'm more than just physically attracted to him. I'm emotionally attached. I have to halt these feelings. For the better. For him and me. I'll love him from afar just plain because.
We are so different.
We can never be on the same scale.
We do not have that level of communication.
The way he treats me. It's too good. I can't have him treating me like that forever. I have to stop it myself. I don't want to hurt him and I can't afford to have myself hurt after we both realized we went too far and we're not meant to be. I wanna just smile and just pray for his happiness. If he's happy, I'll be damn happy. He cannot afford to send me mixed signals. I fear for myself should he persist. I fear I will fall for him all over again and he will feel awkward around me. I'd rather chase him away. I'll build more spikes around me. I'll defend myself. Never to fall for words.
His remorse is incredible. Extremely incredible. I just pretend to be all ignorant. He has to wake up. There're millions of people who are as just remorseful as him. I won't deny that what I felt was a tang of jealousy. I wanna just quietly slip away. By the time he wakes up, I want to be unknown, forgotten, no longer existing.
I wonder sometimes why am I such an evil bitch. (Sorry, Claise!) I don't like it when everytime, I gotta back some people up. I gotta understand their pain. Am I so kind? HELLO! I'm a HUMAN BEING, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Do I look like I must understand all y'all pain?? Damn it. Why don't you understand that I have my fair share of problems as well? Wtf. I should just point-blank shoot myself.
When he mentioned about my mum, it just took that moment to recall what I think was the saddest point of my life.
She was in the hospital, lying down alone. She was surrounded by so many relatives, all chit chatting happily with her. Suddenly, something happened. I couldn't recall what was it. I guess I purposely shut that part of my memory away. She was suddenly on oxygen mask and I was breaking down apart. My cousin brother had to tear me apart from my mum. He said that my mum cannot risk seeing me sad and crying for her. I left the room unwillingly, half-dragged and I broke down. Terribly. Outside, at that point of time, all I know that she's going to leave me soon. Only a glass panel separated me and her. My cousin was telling me to be strong and all. He reminded me that my mum cannot bear to see me sad or she'll be sad as well. I understood all that but I don't understand why she was taken away from me after being strong for her. I guess, it meant for the better. It made me understand dad a whole lot better. I went back into the room after I calmed myself down. I promised my cousin I wouldn't break down before her. She held my hand weakly and said this to me.
I promise I'll get better for you. Only for you, I'll get better. Don't cry, k?
It was a pack of lies but I forced myself to believe that bit of happiness. I lied to her and to myself. I denied the truth, that she'll be better. But that promise was broken. Two or three weeks later, she left me for good. I feel like I've disappointed her in so many way. I must've felt like a burden to her. A burden she doesn't want to carry no more. I went autistic for a few days. I must have been such a bad and naughty child, hahaha!!
One thing I've learnt from this...
You start out together, you end up alone. It makes no difference. In the end, you'll always be alone. I should not fear this loneliness. I should embrace it as part of life.
My eyes are red now, Claise. I think it's time slumber took me. I'll blog again, soon.
Mama, I miss you but I'm really glad you're not sufferring anymore. I hope you have a better afterlife and Allah reward you for taking this orphan in. I don't think I'll be able to see you in Paradise but know this. I'll always pray for you.
Love you mama.
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Optical Illusions.
Thursday, November 03, 2011/ 11/03/2011 02:04:00 AM
Gotta love those junkies!
Another one freaking awesome optical illusion.
When viewed at the correct exact angle will you then arrive to this magnificent view. Optical illusions. Mad awesome.
Here is where I see all these fascinating stuffs. I hope my readers can enjoy 'em and YOU, Claisavard, can promote this site. ;D
Labels: My eyes are going bonkers..
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Post-nocturnal
Thursday, October 27, 2011/ 10/27/2011 04:56:00 PM
You know how nocturns behave, Claise? Yeah. Stay awake at night because of insomnia. It's getting to me. I can't sleep early but once I sleep, I sleep like a log. I know. Piiiiigg. Hahaha! So awesome that way. ;D!
I feel like banging my head. Once. Twice. Thrice. I must be crazy. I think I am anyway. Psychologically demented.
**************************
"I wanna divorce you. I don't think we can live together anymore," I concluded.
"Why not? Did I do something wrong?" he asked.
"No, you didn't," I sighed.
"If I did nothing, then why?" he inquired again.
"That's exactly it! You're doing nothing! I don't even get any flowers on our special occasions! In fact, all you did is just asked how was my day and spent our day together. I want something more! Like our neighbour! She gets flowers from her beloved every week as signs of affection! But you? None!" I cried.
"I see. I'm sorry. This is some pretty big issue. I'll need some time to think through. Get some rest, k? We'll continue tomorrow," he whispered.
He carressed my cheeks and left me alone to my tears. In his office, I heard typings. That's just how it is. He let me rest first before he joins me during sleep time. I cried myself to sleep.
----
I woke up, to the dullness of the weather. It was drizzling lightly. The dreary weather reminded me of last night. I turned to see my bed clock by the side table and saw an envelope. I got curious and read it.
"To my only one..."
I tore it open and read.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't aware of this. I'm sorry I couldn't give you any flowers or even craft any flowers for you because my hands are being used. By you. Whenever you get frustrated on the computer or your laptop, you'd always whine about how crappy technology is and I'd fix it in silence. I'm sorry I didn't walk to the florist or to garden to pick a beautiful rose for you because I need my legs for you. Whenever you feel tired or your old fracture starts acting up again, I want to use my legs to walk you home myself. I'm sorry I don't have any eye for beautiful sunflower or roses because I want to be your eyes. You'd always grumble because you left your spectacles back at home and can't see the bus coming. I want to remain as your eyes and keep a look out for you. I'm sorry if I still didn't give you any bouquet and if this still upsets you, I'll understand.
But I still love you and intend to remain next to the disabled you for life. I'll be waiting under the tree outside our home with your favourite muffin should you choose to let me help you all the way till death do us part.
Your husband."
Before I even knew it, the letter was wet with my tears. I could hear the drizzle gettig heavier and heavier and my other half is outside, out there waiting for me!
I rushed out and found him true to his word. He was shivering and holding my favourite muffin, looking nervous. When he saw me, he broke into a big smile. I ran to him under the rain and hugged him. He simply let me hug him while he held the umbrella.
"I'm sorry I've been selfish. I always think for myself and never for you. Let's go in, k? To our home," I held my hand out. He gave me the muffin and he held me close instead an walked together into our paradise.
**************************
How?! Retarded story right? Haha!! :p
I feel like banging my head. Once. Twice. Thrice. I must be crazy. I think I am anyway. Psychologically demented.
**************************
"I wanna divorce you. I don't think we can live together anymore," I concluded.
"Why not? Did I do something wrong?" he asked.
"No, you didn't," I sighed.
"If I did nothing, then why?" he inquired again.
"That's exactly it! You're doing nothing! I don't even get any flowers on our special occasions! In fact, all you did is just asked how was my day and spent our day together. I want something more! Like our neighbour! She gets flowers from her beloved every week as signs of affection! But you? None!" I cried.
"I see. I'm sorry. This is some pretty big issue. I'll need some time to think through. Get some rest, k? We'll continue tomorrow," he whispered.
He carressed my cheeks and left me alone to my tears. In his office, I heard typings. That's just how it is. He let me rest first before he joins me during sleep time. I cried myself to sleep.
----
I woke up, to the dullness of the weather. It was drizzling lightly. The dreary weather reminded me of last night. I turned to see my bed clock by the side table and saw an envelope. I got curious and read it.
"To my only one..."
I tore it open and read.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't aware of this. I'm sorry I couldn't give you any flowers or even craft any flowers for you because my hands are being used. By you. Whenever you get frustrated on the computer or your laptop, you'd always whine about how crappy technology is and I'd fix it in silence. I'm sorry I didn't walk to the florist or to garden to pick a beautiful rose for you because I need my legs for you. Whenever you feel tired or your old fracture starts acting up again, I want to use my legs to walk you home myself. I'm sorry I don't have any eye for beautiful sunflower or roses because I want to be your eyes. You'd always grumble because you left your spectacles back at home and can't see the bus coming. I want to remain as your eyes and keep a look out for you. I'm sorry if I still didn't give you any bouquet and if this still upsets you, I'll understand.
But I still love you and intend to remain next to the disabled you for life. I'll be waiting under the tree outside our home with your favourite muffin should you choose to let me help you all the way till death do us part.
Your husband."
Before I even knew it, the letter was wet with my tears. I could hear the drizzle gettig heavier and heavier and my other half is outside, out there waiting for me!
I rushed out and found him true to his word. He was shivering and holding my favourite muffin, looking nervous. When he saw me, he broke into a big smile. I ran to him under the rain and hugged him. He simply let me hug him while he held the umbrella.
"I'm sorry I've been selfish. I always think for myself and never for you. Let's go in, k? To our home," I held my hand out. He gave me the muffin and he held me close instead an walked together into our paradise.
**************************
How?! Retarded story right? Haha!! :p
comment! comment! comment! 0 bothered.
Troubled.
Sunday, October 23, 2011/ 10/23/2011 01:47:00 AM
I don't wanna think about it. Just plain depressed. Shall blog soon, k Claisavard? :D
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Not for english readers, hahah.
Monday, October 17, 2011/ 10/17/2011 01:54:00 AM
CUKUPLAH AKU MENCINTAI DALAM DIAM ♥
Kalau kita sukakan seseorang,
jangan beritahu si dia.
Nanti Allah kurangkan rasa cinta padanya
Tapi luahkan pada Allah,
beritahulah Allah.
Allah Maha mengetahui siapa jodoh kita ..
Cintai Dia Dalam Diam,
Dari Kejauhan Dengan Kesederhanaan & Keikhlasan
Jika benar cinta itu kerana ALLAH maka biarkanlah ia mengalir mengikut aliran ALLAH kerana hakikatnya ia berhulu dari ALLAH maka ia pun berhilir hanya kepada ALLAH
"Dan segala sesuatu Kami ciptakan berpasang-pasangan supaya kamu mengingat kebesaran ALLAH."
(Adz Dzariyat : 49)
Tetapi jika kelemahan masih nyata dipelupuk mata maka bersabarlah, berdoalah & berpuasalah
"Dan janganlah kamu mendekati zina; sesungguhnya zina itu adalah satu perbuatan yang keji.
Dan suatu jalan yang buruk."
(Al Israa' : 32 )
Ketika kau mendambakan sebuah cinta sejati yang tak kunjung datang,
Allah SWT mempunyai Cinta dan Kasih yang lebih besar dari segalanya & Dia telah menciptakan sseorang yang akan menjadi pasangan hidupmu kelak.
Ketika kau merasa bahawa kau mencintai seseorang,
namun kau tahu cintamu tak terbalas
Allah SWT tahu apa yang ada di depanmu & Dia sedang mempersiapkan segala yang terbaik untukmu
Cukup cintai dalam diam
bukan kerana membenci hadirnya
tetapi menjaga kesuciannya
bukan kerana menghindari dunia
tetapi meraih syurga-NYA
bukan kerana lemah untuk menghadapinya
tetapi menguatkan jiwa dari godaan syaitan yang begitu halus & menyelusup
Cukup cintai dari kejauhan
kerana hadirmu tiada kan mampu menjauhkan dari ujian
kerana hadirmu hanya akan menggoyahkan iman dan ketenangan
kerana mungkin membawa kelalaian hati-hati yang terjaga
Cukup cintai dengan kesederhanaan
Memupuknya hanya akan menambah penderitaan
menumbuhkan harapan hanya akan membumbui kebahagiaan para syaitan
Cintailah dengan keikhlasan
Kerana tentu kisah Fatimah dan Ali Bin Abi Talib diingini oleh hati
tetapi sanggupkah jika semua berakhir seperti sejarah cinta Salman Al Farisi..??
".. boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu.
ALLAH mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui."
(Al Baqarah : 216 )
Jangan memberi harapan pada yang belum pasti,
kelak ada insan yang bakal dilukai,
Jangan menaruh harapan pada yang belum tentu dimiliki,
nanti hati yang kecewa sendiri.
Sebaliknya,
gantunglah segenap pengharapanmu kepada Yang Maha Memberi,
nescaya dirimu tak sesekali dizalimi,
kerana Dia mendengar pengharapanmu setiap kali & Dia menunaikannya dgn cara-Nya yang tersendiri
Cukup cintai dalam diam dari kejauhan dengan kesederhaan & keikhlasan
Kerana tiada yang tahu rencana Tuhan
mungkin saja rasa ini ujian yang akan melapuk atau membeku dengan perlahan
Kerana hati ini begitu mudah untuk dibolak-balikkan
serahkan rasa itu pada Yang Memberi dan Memilikinya
biarkan DIA yang mengatur semuanya hingga keindahan itu datang pada waktunya
"Barangsiapa yang menjaga kehormatan orang lain, pasti kehormatan dirinya akan terjaga."
(Umar Bin Khattab ra)
If you really love her, you won’t touch her.
Not even the slightest bit.
You’ll protect her dignity and sacredness as a muslimah.
Just hold her in your heart for a few more years ..
then you can do it the halal way
“Sesiapa sahaja yang memberi kerana Allah, menolak kerana Allah, mencintai kerana Allah,membenci kerana Allah & menikah kerana Allah, maka bererti ia telah sempurna imannya.”
(HR. Al-Hakim)
HZ COPYPASTE FROM ALLAHSEEKER.BLOGSPOT.COM
Kalau kita sukakan seseorang,
jangan beritahu si dia.
Nanti Allah kurangkan rasa cinta padanya
Tapi luahkan pada Allah,
beritahulah Allah.
Allah Maha mengetahui siapa jodoh kita ..
Cintai Dia Dalam Diam,
Dari Kejauhan Dengan Kesederhanaan & Keikhlasan
Jika benar cinta itu kerana ALLAH maka biarkanlah ia mengalir mengikut aliran ALLAH kerana hakikatnya ia berhulu dari ALLAH maka ia pun berhilir hanya kepada ALLAH
"Dan segala sesuatu Kami ciptakan berpasang-pasangan supaya kamu mengingat kebesaran ALLAH."
(Adz Dzariyat : 49)
Tetapi jika kelemahan masih nyata dipelupuk mata maka bersabarlah, berdoalah & berpuasalah
"Dan janganlah kamu mendekati zina; sesungguhnya zina itu adalah satu perbuatan yang keji.
Dan suatu jalan yang buruk."
(Al Israa' : 32 )
Ketika kau mendambakan sebuah cinta sejati yang tak kunjung datang,
Allah SWT mempunyai Cinta dan Kasih yang lebih besar dari segalanya & Dia telah menciptakan sseorang yang akan menjadi pasangan hidupmu kelak.
Ketika kau merasa bahawa kau mencintai seseorang,
namun kau tahu cintamu tak terbalas
Allah SWT tahu apa yang ada di depanmu & Dia sedang mempersiapkan segala yang terbaik untukmu
Cukup cintai dalam diam
bukan kerana membenci hadirnya
tetapi menjaga kesuciannya
bukan kerana menghindari dunia
tetapi meraih syurga-NYA
bukan kerana lemah untuk menghadapinya
tetapi menguatkan jiwa dari godaan syaitan yang begitu halus & menyelusup
Cukup cintai dari kejauhan
kerana hadirmu tiada kan mampu menjauhkan dari ujian
kerana hadirmu hanya akan menggoyahkan iman dan ketenangan
kerana mungkin membawa kelalaian hati-hati yang terjaga
Cukup cintai dengan kesederhanaan
Memupuknya hanya akan menambah penderitaan
menumbuhkan harapan hanya akan membumbui kebahagiaan para syaitan
Cintailah dengan keikhlasan
Kerana tentu kisah Fatimah dan Ali Bin Abi Talib diingini oleh hati
tetapi sanggupkah jika semua berakhir seperti sejarah cinta Salman Al Farisi..??
".. boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu.
ALLAH mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui."
(Al Baqarah : 216 )
Jangan memberi harapan pada yang belum pasti,
kelak ada insan yang bakal dilukai,
Jangan menaruh harapan pada yang belum tentu dimiliki,
nanti hati yang kecewa sendiri.
Sebaliknya,
gantunglah segenap pengharapanmu kepada Yang Maha Memberi,
nescaya dirimu tak sesekali dizalimi,
kerana Dia mendengar pengharapanmu setiap kali & Dia menunaikannya dgn cara-Nya yang tersendiri
Cukup cintai dalam diam dari kejauhan dengan kesederhaan & keikhlasan
Kerana tiada yang tahu rencana Tuhan
mungkin saja rasa ini ujian yang akan melapuk atau membeku dengan perlahan
Kerana hati ini begitu mudah untuk dibolak-balikkan
serahkan rasa itu pada Yang Memberi dan Memilikinya
biarkan DIA yang mengatur semuanya hingga keindahan itu datang pada waktunya
"Barangsiapa yang menjaga kehormatan orang lain, pasti kehormatan dirinya akan terjaga."
(Umar Bin Khattab ra)
If you really love her, you won’t touch her.
Not even the slightest bit.
You’ll protect her dignity and sacredness as a muslimah.
Just hold her in your heart for a few more years ..
then you can do it the halal way
“Sesiapa sahaja yang memberi kerana Allah, menolak kerana Allah, mencintai kerana Allah,membenci kerana Allah & menikah kerana Allah, maka bererti ia telah sempurna imannya.”
(HR. Al-Hakim)
HZ COPYPASTE FROM ALLAHSEEKER.BLOGSPOT.COM
comment! comment! comment! 0 bothered.
ah hell...
Saturday, October 15, 2011/ 10/15/2011 01:13:00 AM
You know what's fuckin' scary Claise? It's the thought of losing my dad. Oh come on! Seriously!! Dad's been sick. He's been forgetting quite loads of shit. Tell me that ain't something, yo!! I just came back home. I wanted to go in but he leashed the door. He looked out of the door and I FUCKING SWEAR!!!
I'm scared. Dead scared. Afraid. Petrified.
Scared that I'll lose someone I know as...
family
I don't wanna go through the same shit when I was 17 and when I'm still not prepared to face the world on my own two feet. Deathly afraid.
HE. DOESN'T. FUCKING. REMEMBER. ME.
I'm scared. Dead scared. Afraid. Petrified.
Scared that I'll lose someone I know as...
family
I don't wanna go through the same shit when I was 17 and when I'm still not prepared to face the world on my own two feet. Deathly afraid.
comment! comment! comment! 0 bothered.