Hello Claisavard! It has been way, waay, waaaaay too long since my last update. I stood on my own two legs with my precious baby girl. She has been with me, my silent pillar.

Rain.

I managed to move in to my new place and it has been two years. How time flies. It's probably my home for the rest of my beating heart. Probably not gonna get married in this life. Stay alone until I pass on or stay in nursing home with many other people.

Anyways, I am back to Dark Ages, can you believe it? Haha.

Need help.

Oh! Latest update!

I am in my second year in school for my degree. Sponsored by my workplace. You remembered when I said that I started working in Healthcare? Yeap. Still working in the same healthgroup. Seems like it's going to be my permanent working place until I know how to do accounting and finance. Probably open business then. Haha.

well, until my next update!

Hi Claisavard! It's been tooting way too long since I last updated you about life, duh. I was thinking that my life has changed so much, so much. I don't even know where to begin but nonetheless, let us try...

Both of them are gone. Forever.

That's the main life-changer.

Secondly, I went to school and got myself a diploma. Third, I'm now working a full-time job at a hospital. Fourth, I'm now staying with my most beloved aunt and uncle. So many changes and I truly apologize for not updating you at all. It has been many, many, MANY years and you're still here, whether for reminiscing or just to pour my heartfelt content. Even Clair does not know what is going on in my life.

My life feels like a total blank. I'm stuck in this hellhole with no way out. I'm just waiting for a verdict from THE GAHMEN on how my life will turn out. Whether for the better or worse, I'll leave it to them and God. Ultimately, He is the best of planners. However, I do hope to leave this place for I do not really wish to sin anymore by speaking badly of anyone from this family. I wish to be left alone and rot and die alone live independently. I missed my old life but I do not blame the parties who have tried to help and who, may not be religious themselves, remind me to stay strong in my faith and that all work eventually work out.

See, the weird thing is that although my beloved aunt and uncle have strong religious practices, the Adam in the family has a different set of beliefs as compared to majority of the Muslim population. Who is he to say that what the other party did is wrong. I, however, have enough common sense to think that your beliefs are sorely mistaken. You refused to listen to the correct parties but kept insisting that whatever you think is easy is correct. Puh-leez

I still don't mean to hurt the helping party but thank you for the generosity. I still think that the Adam and Eve are really good, although at the very bottom of their hearts. To the helping party, thank you so much for offering a shelter for this orphan but I will not give up my kid for a supposed better shelter. If I did not care for the adopted kid, I would have chosen to move in with you anytime but because you have no tolerance for the kiddo, I don't want you to be in a bad position. Enough that you are helping me from afar. I pray that life will always, always be good to you, in health and in wealth. Basically, let life be good to all but we all know...

Life has its ups and downs.
It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.

So, my kiddo is happily sleeping. I wish you could have seen her. Maybe, in the future, I'll update a picture of how happy me and my kiddo are. I simply cannot live without her although... She chokes the life out of me.

There is simply so much more I wish I could share here, right now with you but as always, we must part ways. Until the next update!

Soon, hopefully.

Hi Claisavard! It has been a while, indeed. Life's been great but tough. Well, as they saying goes...

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

I've been quite tired as of late, sleeping early. Sometimes, at 9pm, I'm already fast asleep. Excuse today because I've been gaming Eden Eternal. Yippies! :D Hope tomorrow will be smooth sailing, in shaa Allah! <3 Thoughts to self: I wonder if he still thinks of me the way I do about him? It's been donkey years and I can't get over the fact that only he makes me happy. Despite the fact that I usually initiate the conversations, I still feel that he pauses whatever he does for me and I think, life doesn't get any better than that. I wish the wind will convey my message to him...

It has been a very very long while. Life has been great! All the ups and downs~

I'll try to update on a weekly basis, no promises there~

:D!

Anyway, I miss you~ <3 p="">
Toodles for now!

Deep is deep. Stupid is stupid. Ok, nights!

...

...

Of course not! Hi old frienda, Claisavard. How be you doing? Me? Honestly? Not great at all. Not great, full stop.

I hate him. Who we talking 'bout 'ere? That gay boy. Who else, -shrugs-! So mad. Frikkin mad. Ok besides the part where he got mad and such and well, I managed to piss the world's... Screw that...the most bitchiest person ever met. Oh sure!!! Talk about incentives. Don't you EVEN go there sonny boy. We have yet to cover standard procedures and HOW DARE YOU. You know how to do drinks. Don't you go smacking around saying milk mark out so much like eff please. This is THE company. We'll talk once you know how to give non-shitty drinks. LOL. I'm sucha two-faced person. I always keep that simple poker face. When you start yabbling about some archenemy of yours, I had to smile and laugh. Poker faced. Laugh and bitch about ze archenemy and then talk to your archenemy and start bitchin'. Lemme say it straight.

I don't trust people. I don't trust anyone. Hella, I don't trust myself because I'm such a traitor. Yes. Anti-humanity, you've always been talking to her. She's so easy to get along, push around but oh, you don't know half if it! I am so evil. So evil. I always pull some strings, make myself look adorable. Yes. Sad to say, I have personality disorder. I'm so twisted inside, I find pleasure in all ya'll bitchin's. It's just one way of survivin'.

You know the feeling when you like someone, then you give all you have to hate him/her? Yeah, poker faced. I hate hate hate you. I hate you because I find myself attracted to you and it's a serious distraction from my target: life. I don't need flowers by the side or advertisements telling me to stop and smell the roses! Then you came again and I had to stop there and enjoy my life a while. It's like a never-ending journey. I don't need a reason to be angry with anyone but myself. You know you're not supposed to like the fella but somehow, one way or 'nother, he reappears and everything goes into shambles. You wanna just smack the fella and tell him "Yo'll punk! I'm trying to live here an' move'on! Why you no move on?" Then, you realise. It's just another illusion. Then you'll know that it's never been them but just you wishin' so hard for them to appear. They appeared, you chase 'em away, then they appear again but this time, it's just a shadow. It's how it is. Just different faces each different phase of life.

I want so badly to tell ya to fuck off but then, it's like I'd be telling ME to fuck off. That ain't no fair! Utterly unfair. Disappointed with life.

Shoulda just made it easier. Wasn't it much easier if we liked a guy and we threw them a cootie and tell them you like them and happily ever after?

You know, pseudology? Yeah, art of lying. It's an art. ART.



I don't know but I daresay this. This picture and its quote speaks a thousand words and whispers more.

It's so funny how you know you like him but you know you can't be together because so far, you've been standing on your own two feet on your own without him knowing that you're affected by him. If you can keep on standing, do so. It just means someone so much more perfect is out there for you.

Aiyaaa!

You know what Claise! I cannot stop it. I CANNOT STOP IT. I'm so irritated, PLEASE. Last night, for my entire friday, I was like reading up on "How to stop liking him". I realised all these while, I FEEL LIKE A STALKER. OH MY GAH! ROFL. STALKERMAX.COM! Stalking someone I liked, aiyoo!

So I ended up deleting some shit like Facebook on my iPhone and his number. Because he updated some shit about wanting to quit soon. SO, deciding not to be a maddening stalker, I deleted his number and all the texts we exchanged. Happy, I went to bed with a smile. I woke up late because of my bliss and suddenly... BAM! He replied to my text. I SPECIFICALLY SPECIFIED IN THE BLOODY TEXT...

Haha! Whatever it is, I hope you stay strong in whatever you're facing. Everyone is here for you, excluding me, that is. HAHA, night!

Which PART of my text said you can whine to me? I'm not feeling bitchy or anything, just fagging annoyed. I already then decided, I don't want to be there for you any more. But somehow, I ended up always being there for him and I'm fishing pissed at myselfreplied.

Then...

I felt stupid. I can still joke about this stupid matter of him wanting to quit. I DON'T KNOW LAH!! No matter what though, I'll keep this quiet. To me, all matters of people are to be kept secret, especially at work BECAUSE it's just kinda plain rude to just blab it out to others and create rumours/scandals. I may be the "bitch-yest" person at work but I'm still nice and smart enough to keep secrets when people don't wanna blab about it all.

It's how I lock myself away. You just keep laughing and joke with others AND be the bloody joke and you'll stay on the safe side. You hear people whine about their life, then you give them a helpful advice, THEN you make fun of them after that. Nothing to hurt their ego or feelings, just to make everyone feel better, y'know?

Like this scenario...

Friend: I dunno, I'm kinda having problems with my guy. It's like when I want him to text me, he doesn't. When I'm busy, he texts me. Like, what the hell!
Me: I dunno, maybe you just give him a clear sign like "Hey babe, sorry kinda busy atm so text me back in half"?
Friend: Yeah but he doesn't get it sometimes and it kinda annoys me.
Me: Maybe you should tell it to him in French...
Friend: SUSU, urgh!!

I'm just making it up. But yeah, I do have mates having relationship problems. I don't know man. It's why I sodding STAY AWAY FROM RELATIONSHIPS LIKE A PLAGUE. I have enough of a headache from studies and work and family AND finance. I don't need a guy to give extra pain. Paracetamol doesn't work always, y'know Claise?

Ok, back to the idiot. LOL! After that texting, I opened my notebook and saw my scribbles. Nothing fancy about liking him or anything. It's just me writing his name then cancelling it out with rage. I thought it might save paper compared to writing his name on tens of papers then tearing it all. WASTE. lol. I saw them and I went sighing. Here I go again, going back on my word. I shouldn't be so fickle-hearted sometimes. I'm so environmental friendly, please. and I'm supposed to be in work in 11 hours.

GREAT.

Trolling like a boss. Stress, y'know. I wanna bloody spank his face and say this.

WAKE UP! SMELL THE DAMNED ROSE. At least you haven't lost a parent! You ain't adopted for shit. You're working! You have a job and quite a stable life. WHY YOU WORRY ABOUT BEING SINGLE?! Life's never stressful until you make it so much more harder. But it's a bonus that life's a bitch sometimes. Eh well, go and cry then. I no care no more!

lol. Just lol.

Night.