You know one of those days when you feel like you wanna give your all in hating someone? Yeap. I'm heaving through one of those days. Sigh! Big big sigh!

It's like so fudging weird. I mean, come on. I like him. I hate him. Such a thin line between love and hate. One day, I can go all, "Oh, I'm gonna hate him all day." It works. Then, it fails. It didn't last. So hard. Goshers! I just ended up scratching my head. Like what's up with this heart affairs?! Major heart throbs and all. Knock it off. It's bugging me big time. Yet I'm acting like a major noob. Why?

Because it is pissing me off.

Yeah! Yeah! I get it already. I'm a failure in love. Big deal. Big BIG deal. Why the love when you know one day it'll just turn bad for you? Because you keep trying. Here's the deal. I'm scared. To try. Does that make me a coward? I hate trying to calculate the percentage of working and the risks I'm taking. Brave people? Who cares! They go all out! Why? They have the courage. I'm the idiot lacking of courage. Moral? I need to start bracing.

People wonder why I can laugh so much but when it comes to heart affairs, I'm like a stone. I can't feel. Too scared to take the first step. Too scared to get used to the feeling and only to have it all broken into tiny little pieces. Or have it snatched away from you. Keep thinking. Keep wondering. Keep drooling. Lastly, keep dreaming. So much to think. So little time. How am I supposed to handle it? Better still, how am I supposed to face it and start making decisions on spot? It's like one choice leads to another choice and another and another. There's no end to this! How can we reverse the choices we make? Undo the shiz? If there's an "Undo" function in real life, I'd have probably overused that function. The thing is, it doesn't exist. Just like "Backspace". There's only "Enter" and "Exit". Keep Entering until you exit, meaning, you die. That is all to it. Am I getting anywhere?

Ultimately, I still feel like a dick. Bahh! I don't know. I'd probably be better off not thinking too much on these kinda shiz. It's hurting my head, period. About him. I don't know. I still feel like hating him. Another part of me? Well, just relief he's fine. Though the other part keeps shouting out, "He should get the hell outta Susu's life." The good side is going all, "At least he's back." Is that evil or what? I don't know, really. Honestly, I like him. I want to see him everyday. I enjoy the intensity of his gaze. Be it full of curiosity. Full of adoration. Or full of hatred. It's still him. But still, I can't help but feel... He should just get out. I should just hate him. I shouldn't be enjoying these feelings. I should just forget about it because he's gonna forget about it. War at the innermost depth of my heart. Such a headache. Who's the victim? Me. Yet the one killing me is ME. That sorta thing, y'know? Never mind. In the end, it is still a major headache.

Labels: confused..